


Aftermath

by faithfulpenelope



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-12
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2018-07-23 02:05:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 29,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7462452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithfulpenelope/pseuds/faithfulpenelope
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the aftermath of Khan, the senior staff retreats to Georgia and the McCoy homestead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It’s late, almost midnight when they arrive, but she’s waiting on the porch for them.

When Leo had comm’d her, asked if it was okay if he and some of his friends could come and stay for a few days, she’d thought for a few beats he was joking. She knew he’d eventually make his way back for a day or two, most likely with Jim in tow, but that was all she ever saw of his Starfleet life.

But there’s a shadow in Leo’s eyes, a darkness that wasn’t there before, that tells her this last mission was unlike anything that had come before.

The shuttle craft lands on the pad at the edge of the property, and she stands as the door creaks open. Then he’s there, Leo, her baby boy, and she holds out her arms as he jogs down the dirt drive. “Hey, Mama,” he says softly as she wraps her arms around him and holds him tight.

“Leo,” she says, her voice cracking a little.

“I’m okay, Mama,” he responds immediately, and she huffs out a disbelieving laugh against his skin. “Well, I’m back on solid ground at least.”

“That I’ll accept,” she teases, mopping at her watery eyes and taking his face in her hands to really look at him. He looks worn down, uneasy, and fundamentally _tired_ , and she can’t help but remember back to when David was sick. _What happened up there_ , she almost asks, but holds her tongue, because even if Leo wants to tell her, this isn’t the time. Leo seems to sense the question anyway and steps back out of her arms. She lets him move away.

“James Kirk, you get up here this instant,” she calls, and Jim steps out of the group with a bashful grin, ducks his head like a teenage boy, and lets himself be pulled into a tight hug. If Leo feels tired, Jim feels far too frail under her arms, not just in weight but in attitude, and she wonders again what the truth is about what happened up on that ship. _Not important,_ she reminds herself. _He’s here now._ Eleanor McCoy may not know everything about Jim Kirk, but she knows how her son looks at him, and anyone that can put the light back in Leo’s eyes like that is family to her.

“Thanks for letting us stay,” Jim says quietly, and she scoffs at him, like it was ever a question.

“Introduce me to your friends,” she says instead, but keeps him secure under one arm. She knows their names already from the news feeds, where they’re hailed as heroes of the fleet, but in person and out of uniform, they are look so young and, like Leo and Jim, so tired. She hugs each in turn and leads them inside the house, out of the public eye.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She’s standing at the kitchen counter the next morning, absently stirring a bowl of pancake mix, when she senses movement behind her. Then a soft kiss lands on her cheek and she smiles. “Good morning, Leo.”

“Morning, Mama,” he says, his voice still rough from sleep. He reaches around her into the cabinet for a coffee mug. She hadn’t had any time to talk to him, barely had time to show them all where the bathrooms were before they were falling asleep in their assigned bedrooms: Leo in his old bedroom, Jim on the trundle beneath him; Spock and Nyota sharing the queen in the main guest room; Carol on the couch in David’s office; and Scotty on the couch and Sulu and Chekov on the floor of the den.

“Thought you’d be sleeping late, or I’d have breakfast ready,” she says, watches as a dark cloud moves across his face before he gives his head a short shake, offers her a brief smile.

“I’m sure everyone else will be sacked out for a few more hours, but I’m used to being up early to check on –“ His sentence comes to an abrupt halt and he looks down at the counter.

“To check on Jim?” she guesses quietly, gets her answer when his eyes shut for just a moment. “Leo, what happened up there?”

He gives a listless shrug. “You saw the feeds, Mama. You know what happened.”

She would scold him for lying to her if he didn’t look so damned tired. “I know what Starfleet says happened,” she says. “I don’t care about the top-secret details, Leo. I want to know what happened to _you_.”

His laugh is thin. “That’s the problem, Ma,” he says, his face twisting into a sardonic smile. He sits heavily at the kitchen table. “What happened to me is the top-secret details.”

She sits down next to him, lays a hand on his.

“He died, Mama.” Her eyes narrow, and she looks at him, confused. “Jim,” he says, and his voice cracks at the memory. “He died. They brought him in my Medbay in a body bag.”

She blinks at him. “Leo, Jim is upstairs, asleep in my guest room.”

“Which is where the top-secret part comes in.” He looks down at their joined hands, at the wedding ring she still hasn’t taken off after all these years. He takes a deep breath, thinks _fuck it all_ to Starfleet and their security clearances, and tells her the whole story, about Marcus and Khan and the warp core and the serum he culled from a genetically-modified super-soldier so he could bring his best friend back from the dead. Tells her about the falsified report he and Spock submitted to Starfleet and the admiralty that doesn’t believe them and the Section 31 agents who have come to haunt their steps.

When he finishes his story, Eleanor reaches for him, holds him tight. He shakes under her arms, his breath coming in short sobs as the pain of it all comes pouring out at once. She realizes he’s whispering something against her shoulder.

“He was dead, Mama,” he whispers, and her heart breaks for him. “He was cold in a body bag and I never got a chance to save him. I never got a chance to say goodbye.”

“But you did save him,” she comforts him, soothing a hand through his dark hair. “Leo, you saved him.”

“But violating the most important oath I’d even taken,” he rejoins, a bitter note seeping into his voice. “For the second time.”

The memory of David’s death rolls through her and she shudders from the weight of it. “Don’t you dare, Leonard McCoy,” she threatens. “Don’t you dare bring your father into this. What you did for him was a mercy and you know it.”

“They’ve got it partially figured out, that there was some sort of serum,” he says hollowly, and she realizes suddenly the bigger implications of it all. “Section 31. They know the report is a lie and they want the serum so they can use it to create unkillable soldiers. So they can make themselves immortal.”

“But you said –“

“I destroyed it all, yeah. My notes and the samples and everything they might use. But what right did I have to do that? What right did I have to use it for my own good and mine alone?” He pulls away from her but she grabs his hand, forces him to stay at the table. “Who the hell am I to do that?”

“You’re a damn good doctor and a wonderful son and a friend,” she says firmly. “That’s what you are. You’re right, it’s not fair that you were able to save Jim when no one else will be able to do the same thing for their loved ones.” Leo winces against her words and she grabs his face, forces him to look at her. “But you were right to destroy it. You were right to lie. There’s no one that could be trusted with that sort of power.” She sighs. “That’s why you came back home? Why you brought them all here?”

He nods. “It’s my fault they’re all under investigation. I needed to get them out from under the spotlight for a few days. I’m sorry, Mama.”

“There ain’t nothing to be sorry about, and you’re not at fault for anything,” she says firmly. “I’m just glad you felt you could. You know your home is always open to anyone calling themselves your friend, Leo.” She sits back, looks at him with a critical eye. “But I think you’re using all this Section 31 mess to hide from something else.”

He gives her a sharp look that lets her know she’s hit a nerve, but just says, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You didn’t get a chance to say goodbye,” she quotes back to him, and he looks away. “Leo, when are you going to tell him?”

“We’ve been over this, Mama,” he says, a sharp edge to his voice. “It’s not what you think.”

“Leo –“

They’re interrupted by the creak of a door and the sound of footsteps coming down the hall, and Chekov rounds the corner, clad in running gear. “Oh,” he says, clearly surprised they are there. “I was just going for a run. I didn’t realize anyone else was up.”

“It’s fine,” McCoy grunts, and Eleanor smiles.

“There’s a trail around the property,” she says, pointing out the window. “It should make for a good run without getting you lost. Back door will be unlocked.”

“Thank you, ma’am.”

She watches from the window as he stretches for a moment, then takes off in a full run and disappears around the corner. “How old is he?” she asks, fascinated.

“Nineteen,” Leo says with a sigh. “Nineteen years old and at the helm of the Federation flagship.”

“You’re all so young to be where you are,” she says softly. “So young to have so much responsibility on your shoulders.” The ceiling creaks again as someone else rises and Eleanor sighs, shelves their conversation for another time. “Get me the butter, Leo. Time to make breakfast.”


	2. Chapter 2

It’s Scotty that joins them first, followed by Sulu and Uhura.  “Spock’s meditating,” she explains when Leo gives her a confused look.  The back door swings open and Chekov steps in, flushed and sweating from his run.

Marcus slips in quietly, and it’s obvious even to Eleanor that she doesn’t feel the same ease as the others do around each other.  There’s a small moment of hesitation, then Scotty and Sulu make room between them and she slides onto the bench seat with a small smile.

Spock appears next, greets her with a formal, “Mrs. McCoy”.  Eleanor rolls her eyes and shoves a plate of pancakes at him. 

“Repeat after me, Spock: Eleanor,” she teases, and he nods his understanding.  She goes to ask Leo for another plate and realizes he’s gone. 

“He is most likely administering the captain’s morning medications,” Spock says quietly at her shoulder.  “From his injuries.”

“His injuries,” Eleanor echoes, and thinks about how frail Jim had felt the night before.  _But substantial enough for a dead man_.  Then Leo comes down the stairs, Jim right behind, and Jim graces her with one of his blinding smiles.  For a moment, it’s like nothing’s ever happened.

They’re all there now and it’s like someone’s turned on a switch, the noise levels sky-rocketing as they all start talking at once.  Eleanor slides a plate in front of Jim, makes sure Leo is looking the other way before she lifts a pancake to reveal a sea of chocolate chips underneath.  Jim grins and smacks a kiss on her cheek. 

“You’re the best,” he whispers gleefully, and she has to laugh. 

There’s a heated conversation going on at the end of the table about something engineering-related – Eleanor doesn’t even pretend she can follow it – and she’s glad to see Marcus getting in the middle of it.  “They have to,” she’s insisting.  “There’s no way they’re simply going to rehab it.”

“She’s still practically new, I donnae think they’re going to take from one of the new builds to replace it,” Scotty argues.  “There’s too many new builds that have to be done.”

“But the structural damage!” Chekov’s hands fly up as he speaks and Sulu has to duck a wayward pancake bite.  “After the misalignment of the housing of the core -”

His sentence skids to a stop, and the entire table seems to turn towards Kirk, who has frozen with his fork halfway to his mouth.  Chekov’s hands drop to his lap. 

Eleanor waits at the sink.

“Don’t look at me,” Jim says finally.  He shrugs.  “I fixed it the last time.”

That forces a surprised laugh out of Scotty, and Jim grins, and just like that the tension breaks, the conversations resuming.  Eleanor watches Jim turn his attention back to his plate, the grin faltering in just the slightest.  Then she realizes she’s not the only one watching; Leo’s watching too, his face a mask of doctorly concern that she knows intimately well.  It’s the same one David would adopt when he was trying to keep his emotions in check. 

“So, Leonard.” Uhura’s voice breaks through, gently teasing in tone.  “When do we get to see your baby pictures?”

“Never,” Leo says immediately.  “I emerged fully-grown like Athena from Zeus.  Tell ‘em, Mama.”

“We can go in the den and view them tonight,” Eleanor says, and Leo howls in outrage as the table erupts in cheers. 

“ _Mama_!”

“Best trip ever!” Chekov shouts, and high-fives a grinning Sulu.

“We are _not_ looking at my baby pictures!”

“I think you mean we are not looking at _just_ your baby pictures,” Scotty corrects.  “Awkward teenage years, here we come!”

“I hate each and every one of you,” Leo spits, and Eleanor pats his back soothingly.

“I have wondered on occasion if your somewhat misanthropic temperament has been fixed since childhood,” Spock says, and Jim barks out a laugh. 

“That’s Spock’s nice way of asking if you were always a grumpy bastard,” he clarifies, and ducks the napkin Leo chucks his way.

“No, I bet you were just the cutest little thing,” Marcus says.  “All sunshine and light.” 

“I bet he came out and yelled at the doctor for how he handled the delivery,” Sulu theorizes, thumps Scotty on the back when he laughs and inhales a piece of pancake.

“I’d like the remind you all that you are due for _complete_ physicals when we return,” Leo says tightly.  “With vaccinations.  _Lots_ of them.”

“Miss Eleanor.” Jim looks up at her, eyes soaked with innocence, and she feels Leo tense under her hand.  “Will you show us the dance competition vids?”

The table goes silent. 

Leo turns to his mother in barely controlled fury.  “You showed him the dance competition vids?” he asks through clenched teeth.  Eleanor gazes back, unfazed. 

“I may have shown him one or two,” she allows, and the room explodes.

“Why in tarnation would you ever show Jim that?  Why would you show _anyone_ that?”

“Don’t raise your voice to me, young man,” Eleanor scolds around her laughter.

“She showed me because she _loves_ me!”

“You dance?” Marcus squeals. 

“And there are vids?” Sulu’s almost breathless with glee.

“They’re spectacular,” Jim confirms, and Chekov claps his hands in excitement. 

“Seriously, best trip ever!”

Uhura pats Leo on the back.  “There, there.”

“Don’t _there, there_ me.  You started this!”

Her lip twinges up.  “Oops.”

Scotty finally asks the obvious question.  “And _why_ are there dance competition vids?”

“Leo’s ex-wife used to be a competitive dancer,” Eleanor explains, ignoring Leo’s protestations of _damn it, Mama, haven’t you done enough._   “Her partner injured himself one summer, and Leo stepped in for him until he was able to dance again.”

“I regret my entire life,” Leo whines. 

“Poor Bones,” Jim says, unrepentant.  “Chocolate chip pancake?” 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

On the screen, a 19-year-old Leonard McCoy waltzes his future wife across the floor in a suit that leaves nothing to the imagination.

“This is the greatest moment of my life,” Jim breathes, breaking the near silence of the room.  “ _Bones_.”

“Those pants,” Uhura murmurs in agreement.  “Good God, Leonard.”  Leo sighs painfully from behind the pillow he's got over his face.  He's thinking about using it to smother himself.

“Tell us the truth.”  Scotty pokes Leo in the foot.  “How much baby powder was involved in getting that outfit on and off?”

“Fuck you all,” Leo growls.

“Was it more or less than with the wetsuit?”

“Uh, the wetsuit,” Sulu moans.  “I still have nightmares about that thing.”

“I almost lost an eye getting it off,” Jim agrees.  “It had some serious snapback.”

Holo-Leo dips holo-Jocelyn and the material of the suit stretches even further.  

"Oh!" Chekov yelps, and covers his eyes.  Marcus leans in closer and whistles.

"I hope you all get Q'uarthian genital shingles," Leo mutters. 

"Too late for Jim," Scotty quips back, and Jim shoots him a  _look_.  

"Dude," he hisses, and tilts his head towards Eleanor.  " _Not cool._ "  Eleanor rolls her eyes.  

"No, let's discuss this," Leo interjects, a hint of sadistic glee in his voice at the thought of someone else suffering.  "Jim, you love to tell the story.  How do you usually describe the itching?  'Maddening'?

"Bones!" Jim's turning pink now.  

"Now, now."  Eleanor pats Jim's hair.  "Leave poor Jim alone."

Leo sputters, actually sputters, as Jim smiles angelically at Eleanor and the rest of the crew cackle. "Poor Jim?   _Poor Jim?_ " His hands wave frantically towards the screen, where holo-Leo is taking a bow. "What about _Poor Leo_?  Your son? Your _only child_?" Eleanor waves him off.

"Oh, you're fine."

"Mother-stealer," Leo swears, and jabs a finger at Jim.  "I regret ever bringing you here."

"Can't help it if I'm irresistible, Bones."


	3. Chapter 3

Eleanor doesn’t know if it was the last night of holovids, or a few good nights’ sleep, or something else all together, but come the next day, there’s a change in the air, for the better.  The underlying tension that seemed to buzz between them all seems to have eased, and Eleanor is grateful to see they look, if not at peace, then less worn down than when they appeared at her door.  Even Leo seems more relaxed; he doesn’t seem to watching Jim so closely, doesn’t protest when Jim heads out the door with Sulu and Marcus.  “Hikaru’s teaching us tai chi,” he says, and gives her a wink.  “Helps keep you limber.”  She swats at his hip and he laughs, lets the door slam shut behind him. 

There’s a bang out in the yard and a muffled curse in what sounds like Russian and Eleanor looks out the window to see Scotty and Chekov hip-deep in the engine of David’s old hovercar, a first generation that’s been sitting in the garage for as long as she can remember.  “You’re not gonna get anything out of that hunk of junk,” she calls and Scotty laughs. 

“That’s sounds like a _challenge,_ madam!” he shouts, and plunges back into his work.

“They asked me this morning if they could take a crack at it.”  Leo’s at the table, tugging on a boot.  “Told ‘em to have at it.  If anyone can get that thing going, it’s them.”

“I thought they were supposed to be relaxing,” she says, and he sighs.

“That _is_ relaxing for them,” he gripes.  “Damn workaholics.”

“Not that you would know anything about that,” she murmurs, gives him a pointed look.  He studiously ignores it. 

“I’m going into town.  You need anything?”  She shakes her head.  “Keep an eye on Jim, would you?”

There’s a million things she could say but she doesn’t want to ruin a good morning so she just nods.  “Where’s Spock and Nyota?” she wonders instead.  Leo grins.

“They went for a _walk_ ,” he mocks.  “I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s picking leaves off his pointy ears when they get back.”

“Leo!”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It lasts until lunch time.

She’s been banished from the kitchen counter, Leo and Spock taking over cooking duties while she sits with Uhura at the table and talks.  Uhura’s regaling her with stories – censored versions, she’s sure – of Leo and Jim at the Academy. 

“ – so Leonard says, 'damn it, Admiral, I’m a doctor, not a veterinarian,' and Archer’s face just _falls_.”

“What the hell made him think I could tell him if his dog could survive transwarp beaming is beyond me,” Leo grouches from the counter.  “I don’t even understand transwarp beaming now, and the man who invented it is outside in my yard.”

“You could have _made something up_ , Leonard.  A _gee, I’m sure he’ll be fine_ , or something.”

“Leo is incapable of such pleasantries,” Eleanor sighs.  “Gets that from his father.”

“I find the doctor’s lack of such pleasantries refreshing,” Spock says, and Uhura rolls her eyes and mouths _the doctor_ at Eleanor, who laughs.  Leo shoots him a dirty look and mumbles something about Vulcans and their backhanded complements.

The door bangs open and Jim walks in, red from the sun.  He saddles up behind Leo, grabs a piece of turkey off the cutting board, and Leo grabs his wrist, holds him still.

“You’re all flushed,” he says, his face going serious, and Jim huffs, pulls his wrist loose.

“I was outside,” he says pointedly, and goes to step away.  Leo blocks his path.

“You over-exerted yourself,” Leo counters.  “Sit.  I need to check your vitals.”

Jim gives him a tight smile.  “Bones, I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine, you’re still recovering.” Leo’s got his back to him, digging through the bag he left by the door for his tricorder, and doesn’t see the dark pall that sweeps over Jim’s face. 

“Bones.  I said it’s not necessary.”  Jim’s voice is low, a warning.

Leo doesn’t flinch as he turns, stares Jim down.  “And I said it is.”

“Jim.” Spock’s voice is clear and level.  “Perhaps it is best to listen to the doctor’s request.”

Jim turns his steely gaze to Spock, gives a sharp laugh.  “Well, that’s just great,” he says, his words teasing but his voice tight.  “You two finally start getting along and it’s so you can gang up on me.”

“We are not ganging up – ” Spock starts, but Jim waves him off, slams himself onto the bench seat, his gaze dark and fixed.  Leo doesn’t say anything, just takes his readings. 

“Your levels are up,” he says flatly, as if he’s expected it but is still disappointed.  “I’ll have to give you another dose after lunch.”

“Fine.”

“You’ll need to rest this afternoon,” Leo says, clicking off the tricorder.  “And no more tai chi.”

Jim rolls his eyes, and Eleanor sees the petulant student he must have been when he was young.  “Anything else, _Doctor_?” he says icily.  Leo’s nostrils flare.

“No, _Captain_ , we’re done,” he retorts, and Jim pushes up off the bench.

“Then I better go get ready for my _nap_ ,” he says, shoving around Leo to make for the stairs.  Leo grabs his arm.

“Damn it, Jim, you need to eat first.”

“Are you – _Jesus,_ Bones.”  He yanks his arm loose, his fingers curling up into fights at his sides, and for a moment, Eleanor thinks Jim might lash out.  “You just can’t fucking stop, can you?”

Leo’s eyes flare dark, hurt and anger fighting it out across his face.  “Not when you’re willfully trying to put yourself back on a biobed!”

Jim’s eyes go wide with surprise and he opens his mouth, closes it just as quick.  Then his face goes completely blank and he turns, walks away without a word.

The slam of the back door shakes through the house.  For a long moment, there’s just silence left.

“Leonard,” Uhura says finally, and Leo turns to glare.

“Don’t,” he warns. “Don’t start with me.”

“I’m just saying, that was a little harsh, you don’t think?”

“You are aware the captain does not react well when he feels he is being…controlled,” Spock says evenly.

“Are you serious –“  Leo takes a deep breath, lets it out.  “I’m not _controlling_ him,” he grits out.  “I’m trying to keep him _alive_.”

Uhura gives him a look.  “That’s not how he sees it."

“I – you know what, I’m done. I’m not going to argue about the proper course of _medical treatment_ for a _patient_ with all of you.”  He tosses the tricorder back in his bag.  "I'm done with this conversation."

“Well,” Eleanor says when the sound of his footsteps on the gravel drive have faded away. “That did not go well.”

“No,” Spock concedes.  “It did not.”

“They’ve been like this since - ” She almost says _since Jim died_.  “Since Jim was injured?”

Spock and Uhura exchange weighted looks, and Uhura gives a little nod.  “Miss Eleanor, I’m afraid we have not been…completely honest about the nature of Jim’s injuries,” Spock offers. 

Eleanor heaves a relieved sigh.  “Oh thank goodness.” 

“Excuse me?”

“Leo told me everything,” she explains, and Spock’s eyebrow rockets up to his hairline.

“Everything?” Uhura repeats.

“Everything.”

“So you are aware the captain…”

“Yes.”

“And the doctor…”

“Yes.”

“And Starfleet…”

“Yes,” she says, exasperated.  “Yes.  Jim died, Leo brought him back with some super villian’s blood, and he and you lied about it to Starfleet.  I said everything, didn’t I?”

“You did,” Spock demurs, his eyebrow working overtime.  “So you understand, they are both under quite a bit of strain.” 

“I think Leonard thought getting Jim out of San Francisco would help,” Uhura explains.

“He thought it would help you all,” Eleanor confirms.  “He feels responsible for the pressure you’re all under from Starfleet.” 

Uhura gives a little laugh.  “Of course he does.”

“It is highly illogical that the doctor would blame him for our current…circumstances,” Spock says.  “But I have found that Leonard very often takes on an illogical amount of responsibility for the actions of those around him.”

“You can say that again, Mr. Spock,” Eleanor says with a sigh.  “You can say that again.” 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Leo comes back ten minutes later, goes back to the cutting board like nothing’s happened.  Eleanor looks at Spock and Uhura, who are both making faces like this isn't the first time this has happened.   

Jim appears at the back door a few minutes after that.  They watch as he pours himself a glass of sweet tea and drains it in one shot, then steps up next to Leo and tilts his head, exposing his neck. 

Leo eyes him for a long moment, but puts down the knife and pulls a hypospray out the refridge.  He calibrates it properly and presses it up against Jim’s skin, the hypospray giving off a familiar hiss.

“So.”  Jim shoves off the counter.  “Where’s this sandwich that was promised me?”

“I told you to eat lunch, didn’t tell you I’d made it for you,” Leo immediate retorts.  “I’m a doctor, not a chef.”

“Well, I guess we all be grateful for that,” Jim says, and flashes Eleanor a trademark Jim Kirk smile.  “Right, Miss Eleanor?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” she says, still confused by the scene in front of her.  “He makes a decent pie.”

Leo grunts.  "Only because Grandma Marge's hands were too rheumy to peal the apples," he says.  He looks at Spock and Uhura like he doesn't know what they're waiting for.  "Well, where is everyone? It's lunchtime."


	4. Chapter 4

It's late, but Eleanor can't sleep.  She can't help the worry she feels about her son and his best friend.  

She makes her way into the kitchen, focused on making herself a cup of tea, and almost doesn't see the figure sitting at the table.  Carol Marcus looks up from her own teacup in surprise.  "I'm sorry," she says, her accent lilting and precise.  "I didn't realize anyone else was up."

"Neither did I," Eleanor says.  "But it's no problem."  She busies herself with the tea kettle.  "Are you having trouble sleeping?  I know the couch in that office isn't always the most comfortable."

"Oh, the couch is fine," Marcus says immediately.  "I just - I've just had a touch of insomnia lately.  Since..." she looks down at the table.  "Well.  Since we returned to earth."

Eleanor remembers what Leo told her, about Marcus and her father, the horrible things he did and the horrible way he died.  "I'm given to understand your father was killed during the attack?" she says cautiously, since that much at least was part of the public report.  Marcus nods, twirls the teacup around with her fingertips.

"Yes," she says.  "It's been...hard."

"Would you like to talk about it?" Eleanor asks.  She knows Marcus won't, that according to Starfleet she can't, but it's obviously the young woman needs someone to confide in.  Marcus looks up at her for a long moment. 

"We had...a contentious relationship," she says, "one that was not resolved before he died.  One that was made worse immediately before he died."  She gives a strained smile.  "But I am working through it.  It helps to have friends.  People like your son, and Jim, and the rest of the crew.  What happened out there - things my father did - they could have blamed me just for being his daughter.  But not one of them ever has."

"If anyone knows what it's like to live in your father's shadow, it's Jim," Eleanor agrees.   _And Leo_ , she thinks, but she keeps that to herself.  

Marcus nods and falls silent.  Then she turns suddenly back to Eleanor.  "Did Leonard tell you about the torpedo?"

Leo had told her about the torpedoes, about the 72 men and women frozen within them, but something tells her this is not what Marcus is talking about.  "No."

"We had to open a torpedo," Marcus says, "because - well, that's not important.  But we couldn't do it on the ship, and I couldn't do it alone.  I needed someone with steady hands, so poor Leonard gets volunteered to accompany me to this empty rock to try and open the thing up.  We're almost there and then, out of nowhere, the thing  _arms_ itself, and it does it with Leonard's arm trapped inside."

Eleanor sucks in a deep breath.  She knows what Leonard does is dangerous - they've saved the planet twice already, and they're only 3 years out of the Academy - but she's always pictured him in the Medbay when it's all happening, not next to a torpedo.  

"The Enterprise can't beam Leonard back, because it can't separate him from the torpedo," Marcus continues, and it's like Eleanor's not even there, she's so far in her own world.  "And I'm trying to disarm it and Leonard - do you know what he's doing?" She looks up at Eleanor like she's seeing her for the first time.  "He's screaming at Jim to beam me back.  Beaming me back will save me but it will _kill_ him; there's no chance of any other outcome.  And yet he didn't even hesitate.  He didn't know me, didn't know anything about me.  And yet he didn't hesitate, not for a moment, to sacrifice himself to save me."  

Eleanor lays a hand to her heart, feels it beating heavy under her palm.  "Yes," she says softly, her eyes wet with tears.  "That sounds like Leo."

"Every one of them is like that," Marcus says, a tinge of wonder in her voice.  "This group of people - I don't know what Starfleet's done to deserve them.  I don't know what I've done to deserve them."  She gives an awkward little laugh.  "I think Leo felt bad leaving me out, and that's why I'm here." 

Eleanor pats Marcus's hand.  "Well, now I know you haven't been around them that long," she says with a small smirk, "if you think Leo would ever invite someone here just because he felt bad for them.  Leo doesn't believe in pity.  If you're here, it's because you're his friend.  It's because you're part of the family."

Now it's Marcus's eyes that are shiny with tears, but she smiles at Eleanor.  "I hope so," she says quietly.  "I haven't had a real family for a long time."  She looks down at her empty teacup.  "I think I'd better head to bed now," she says, sounding almost embarrassed that she's revealed so much.  Eleanor plays innocent, just takes her cup and wishes her good night.

 _No wonder Jim was drawn to her_ , Eleanor thinks as the door to the study clicks shut, another lost soul like him.  She's beginning to think they've all got a little bit of lost soul in them, this crew of misfits who have somehow become family.  It makes her heart ache for them, for her Leo especially, who had thought he'd found a perfect life before it all came tumbling down around him.  She thinks about the day he left for the Academy, so angry at the world that he hadn't even said goodbye to her face-to-face, just sent her a message as his shuttle carried him away.  It was a month before she heard from her, a year before she saw him in person, and she'd known immediately if he hadn't had Jim by his side he wouldn't have come back at all.  It was Jim's bright smile and natural charm that had gotten through them those first awkward hours around her dinner table, until they could talk to each other again, and even then the memories of David's death and the end of his marriage were so thick it was almost suffocating.  It's only after she and Leo had managed to start to right their relationship that she learns Jim's sunny exterior hides his own lifetime of pain.  Even now she knows there are stories that only Leo knows, and some that even he isn't privy to.  

He's like a second son to her now, James Kirk; she'd known he would be from the day he brought her Leo back to her.  It was not like she had much choice in the matter.  From that first visit on, where Leo went Jim would follow, with the reverse being just as true.  She didn't even think _they_ had much say in the matter; they just  _were_ , and there was nothing the rest of the world could do but accept it.  

But then one day, she's on a call with Leo, and she hears Jim come in, and Leo's face changes, just a little, but Eleanor recognizes immediately for what it is: Leo is in love.  He won't admit, not even to her, won't even let her begin the conversation, but it's true, she knows it is.  She knows it just like she knows Jim is in love with Leo, too.  

Unfortunately, neither seems to be willing to make that first step forward, and if they want to hide, well, she's in no position to shake them loose.  So she accepts their relationship as it is, is grateful for it and for them.

Except now - now there's a fracture there, a deep one, and it's like they don't know how to be  _them_ anymore, like they're seeing right through each other.  It kills her to see it.  It kills her to not be able to fix it.  Forget trying to get them to admit their feelings for each other.  Right now, it's all they can do to just get back to the start.  

And for the first time, Eleanor is a little worried they might not make it there.


	5. Chapter 5

Eleanor never really gets to sleep, and by the time she makes it down the stairs, it’s mid-morning. She hears the crew out on the porch, talking quietly, as she prepares a cup of tea. She’s absently watching the news feeds when movement catches her eye. It’s Leo, coming down the stairs, and when he stops in the door to the kitchen she bites back a gasp. He’s obviously dressed hastily, his shirt half-tucked into his jeans, and his hair is a wild mess, but neither can compare to his eyes, which stare frantic and bright at her. Before she can say anything, he shoves past her, yanks Jim’s medications out the refrig and takes a quick inventory that seems to confirm his worst fear. He snatches out a hypo and turns to her.

“I haven’t seen him, but I just came down,” she says to his unasked question, and he slams the refrig shut, stalking out onto the front porch. She follows.

“Where is he.”

The group on the porch goes quiet and Eleanor realizes not all of them are there.

“Where is who?” Spock offers. Leo wheels on him, stabs a sharp finger into his chest.

“Cut the fucking semantics, Spock. Where. Is. He.”

Spock and Uhura exchange a look before she turns to Leo. “He’s with Pavel.” Leo looks at her, long and hard. “They went running,” she supplies eventually.

Leo sucks in a deep breath, and Eleanor reaches out, lays a hand on his arm. “Leo.”

“He went running,” Leo repeats flatly. “Running. With a nineteen year old who won the Academy marathon five years ago. When he’s not supposed to be exercising at all.”

“Pavel will pace him -” Sulu starts but Leo silences him with a glare.

“Do you know what this is?” he asks, holding up a hypospray, and Eleanor sees a look of surprise flash across Spock’s face. “It’s his medication. The medication he needs to stay on his feet until his body can heal itself completely. It’s the medication I should have given him _three hours ago_ when my alarm went off. Only _someone_ turned off my alarm, and now he’s gone, and you’re all staring me like I’ve got three heads when you should have been asking, _gee_ , maybe he shouldn’t be out running in the Georgia heat when a week ago he wasn’t even allowed _out of his bed_?”

“Damn it, Leonard, you know we all told him it wasn’t a good idea,” Scotty argues. “But you also know how he gets. You know he can’t stay still for this long. What were we supposed to do, tie him down?”

“You should have woken me up!” Leo hollers.

“Jesus, Bones.” Leo whips around and there’s Chekov and Kirk making their way up the walk, Chekov’s arm slung under Jim’s, supporting some of his weight. He wheezes as he sits on a porch step. “It’s way too early to be screaming.”

“You,” Leo begins, and Chekov steps back. “You thought this was a good idea?”

“Doctor, I – ”

“I didn’t give him a choice,” Kirk interrupts. “I was going whether he came or not.”

“He could have come to me,” Leo spits. “You could have come to me,” he repeats towards Chekov, who opens his mouth to speak, then reconsiders, clicks it shut before anything comes out. “You should have come to me. Instead you just followed him out there!”

“Leave him alone, Bones.” Jim’s voice is low and dark. “He’s not the one you’re really mad at.”

Leo’s eyes go wide and for a moment, he’s silent. When he speaks, there’s a sharp edge to it that makes Eleanor wince. “You’re gonna tell me who I’m mad at now? What I’m feeling?”

Jim turns his head, his gaze icy cold. “You’re mad at me because I didn’t follow doctor’s orders. I get it. It won’t happen again.”

Leo barks out a hard laugh and stalks down the stairs. Chekov gives him a wide birth, and takes the opportunity to hustle up the steps to his crewmates. Eleanor reaches for his hand and gives it a quick squeeze, and he flashes a weak smile towards her. Leo’s in front of Jim now, his hand gripping the hypo so hard Eleanor thinks it might shatter.

“Right. I’ll believe that when hell freezes over. And yes, I’m mad because you didn’t follow doctor’s orders. I’m mad because you are so set on proving you’re fine that you are willing to put your health in jeopardy. And I’m mad at _them_ – ” he sweeps his arm out towards the porch, “because they’re willing to let you do it!”

Jim glares at him, hard. “They didn’t do anything wrong.”

“What do you call letting you go running? What do you call them ignoring the fact that you didn’t take your medication?”

“They didn’t ignore anything.” Leo scoffs. “They didn’t ignore anything,” Jim repeats, his voice tight, “because I told them I’d taken it.”

A stunned silence rolls through Leo as he stares, disbelieving, at his best friend. “You did what?”

“I told them I took it,” Jim grits out. “I told them I knew how much I was supposed to get and administered it myself so you could sleep.”

Leo takes a step back, his hand to his mouth, before he turns to Spock. “That true?”

Spock clears his throat. “The captain…gave us that impression, yes,” he says slowly. _Don’t worry, I hypo’d myself_ , is what he’d said, but if Spock had learned anything from his human crewmates it was that sometimes the entire truth was not necessary.

“So, you’re lying to us now,” Leo says, barely above a whisper. His arms are clenched tight across his chest and Jim turns his head away, his eyes cast downward. “After everything - you’re lying to _me_.”

“I can’t stand the way it makes me feel,” Jim spits, his jaw clenched tight. “It makes me so fucking tired all the time.”

“You’re tired all the time because you’re still recovering,” Leo retorts, and Jim shakes his head, hard.

“It’s not just that. I can’t think on it, Bones. I can’t get my head clear.”

“Well, I’m sorry about that, Jim, but that’s a small price to pay, don’t you think? Did you ever think your head is a little fogged up because you were in a coma for two weeks? Did you ever think it’s because you’re still recovering?”

Jim stands up, fast, coming to nose to nose with Leo. “Tell me I’m still recovering one more time,” he says darkly, “and you’re going to be recovering from my fist to your face.”

“Captain -” Scotty reaches out but Eleanor grabs his arm, keeps him still.

“Let them do this,” she says quietly. “Let them get it out.”

Leo leans in close. “You gonna hit me, Jim?” he taunts. “Go ahead. I’ll give you a free shot. Because it won’t make a difference. We’ll still be here, the Enterprise will still be in pieces, and you’ll _still. Be. Fucking. Recovering_.”

The punch that slams into Leo’s nose would have knocked him cold any other time and Jim curses as he only lands a weak blow before stumbling off the step. Spock catches his arm, pulls him upright before he pulls loose. “You’re a fucking asshole,” he spits, and Leo laughs.

“That’s priceless, coming from you,” he spits back. “You’re the one fucking lying to his best friend because he’s too proud to let himself heal. No, you’d rather keep pushing yourself, because God forbid anyone see that the great Captain Kirk might actually be _human_.”

There’s a long, silent moment, and then Jim laughs, an unhinged sound that makes Eleanor’s skin crawl.

“What the fuck is so funny?” Leo growls, and Jim just laughs harder.

“What’s so _fucking funny_ is that I couldn’t lie to my best friend if I wanted to, because I haven’t seen my _best friend_ since this whole shit show started.” He stalks down the stairs, and Leo’s fists clench at his sides when Jim forces himself into his space. “All I’ve seen is the great _Doctor McCoy_ , making sure he keeps his patient in line. Making sure he doesn’t do anything the doctor doesn’t approve of.”

“The only thing I’ve been trying to do is keep you _healthy_ ,” Leo protests, and his voice cracks as he speaks. “For Christ’s sake, Jim, I’m pumping you full of some experimental treatment just to keep you going. What else am I supposed to do?”

“Right,” Jim says hollowly. “Because that’s what I am now? Your _experiment_?”

“ _Jim._ ” It comes out in a pained breath. “No. That’s _not_ what I said. That’s not what I _think_.”

“Captain.” Spock’s hand is firm on Jim’s arm. “Perhaps it would be wise if you continued this conversation at a later time, when you and the doctor have had an opportunity to calm yourselves.”

“It all makes sense now,” Jim continues, his voice flat, his face blank as stone. “I mean, you can’t have the experiment fail, now can you? Then this whole thing is just a giant waste of time.”

“James!” Eleanor’s voice is sharp, but Jim’s gaze never wavers from Leo’s heartbroken face. He huffs out a bitter laugh.

“Might as well just have hand it all over to Section 31. Hand _me_ over,” he spits, and Leo’s eyes slam shut, his hand pressed to his mouth. When they open again, they’re shiny with tears.

“If that’s what you think…” His eyes drop to the ground and he shakes his head, and it makes Eleanor want to cry, because it’s Jocelyn all over again, that air of defeat, of losing something he thought was unshakable. He steps forward, holds out the hypo in his hands.

Jim doesn’t move.

Leo lets out a short, wet laugh, as if to say, _of course not_ , and drops the hypo on the porch steps. Then he turns to walk away.

“Leonard!” Uhura steps down after him, Scotty at her heels, but Leo just holds up a hand.

“Don’t,” he says quietly. “Just…don’t.”

The gravel crunches under his boots as he walks away, disappearing down the well-worn path.

Uhura turns and slaps Jim across the face.

“What the fuck?” he roars, grabbing his pink cheek, but she just glares at him, nostrils flared.

“What the fuck?” she hollers back. “You really think you’re the one who should be asking that? How could you say that to him?”

“Watch it, Lieutenant,” he growls and she laughs in his face.

“Nice try, _Captain_ , but this isn’t the bridge.”

“And it wouldn’t matter if it was,” Sulu chimes in. “Not with you acting the way you are.”

Jim spins around, fists clenched. “This is between me and Bones,” he grits out. “It’s none of your business.”

“All due fairness, that’s a load of shit,” Scotty rejoins. “We were all on the ship with you. More importantly, we’re your friends.” He comes down off the porch, lays a hand on Jim’s shoulder. “And our Jim Kirk would never treat his best friend like that. He wouldn’t treat anyone like that.”

Jim looks at him, long and hard, before he steps back. Scotty’s hand falls hard to his side.

“Yeah well,” he says quietly, and steps up the stairs, lays a hand on the doorknob of the storm door. “Maybe that Jim Kirk died in the warp core.”

The door slams shut behind him.


	6. Chapter 6

Eleanor finds Jim sitting on a long flat rock by the stream at the edge of the property. He's gazing out into some far point in the distance and she isn't even sure he knows she's there until he says, "I'm sorry about my language. And that I punched your son." She almost laughs.

"You weren't the first and you won't be the last," she says instead, and Jim snorts in agreement.

"Look, Miss Eleanor - " he starts, but she holds up a hand and sits on the rock next to him.

“Leo told me everything, Jim," she says, and his head snaps around, a shocked noise in his throat. "The first morning y'all were here, he told me everything."

It’s an uncomfortably long minute before he manages to speak. “When you say everything –“

“I mean everything.”

He gives a quiet _oh_ then falls silent, his gaze cloudy. His jaw works like he wants to say something but he can’t force the words out. “So…” He looks down to the ground. “You know I wasn’t just injured.”

She curls a hand around his. It’s cold and clammy to the touch.

“I died in that warp core,” he whispers, and his blue eyes are cloudy with sadness and fear and something else, what looks like shame, and she wraps her arms around his thin waist, lays his head on her shoulder. “I died, Ms. Eleanor.”

“Jim.” She kisses his temple. “I’m so sorry.”

“Bones – you know what Bones did. What he did to bring me back. What they’re doing to him now, because of me.”

“None of this is because of you,” she tells him, and wonders what it is that makes these young officers take so much upon themselves.

“I put them there,” he says immediately, and she sighs. “I was their captain – “

“ _Am_ their captain.”

“I took them out there. I put them in that situation. I put Bones in that situation.”

“The admiral and John Harrison put them in that situation. You sacrificed yourself for your ship, Jim,” Eleanor says. “You gave your life to save hundreds of people. And my son, stubborn genius that he is, saw an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to bring you back from it. Whether it was right of him to do so, I don’t know.” She pats his knee. “But I’m glad he did.”

His smile is small and weak but he leans into her, squeezes her hand. "It's been a hard few weeks," he admits quietly, and Eleanor just nods, because she knows how hard it is for him to admit that. “After I came back –“ He pauses, like he’s looking for another euphemism for _I was dead and then I wasn’t_ , but then gives up and continues. “After I came back, and I had healed enough to stay awake for more than an hour at a time, Spock told me that Bones hadn’t left my side the entire time. That he locked himself in a lab with me in a cryotube and refused to come out, refused to eat or sleep until he figured it out. That he spent the next two weeks sleeping in a chair in my room when he wasn’t double-checking the read-outs on the biobed.”

Leo hadn’t told her that, although she isn’t that surprised. She says as much.

“No, of course not,” Jim says with a dry chuckle. His eyes drift shut. “He still takes all my readings every time he gives me my medications. Still checks my pulse when I walk more than 10 steps. And he looks at me…” he opens his eyes and they’re shiny with tears. “He looks at me like he can’t really be sure I’m actually there.”

“Oh, Jim,” she says softly.

“Pulling me back from the dead did something to our friendship. Something I don’t know if I can fix. And that’s what scares me most of all,” he whispers. “Not Starfleet threatening our commissions or Section 31 agents lurking in the shadows. That I lost my best friend when he’s standing right next to me.”

Eleanor sighs, because she's seen this before. "Jim, you know as well as I do that Leo - he has to fix things, Jim, he has to feel like he's making things better. Except he gets so focused on being Doctor McCoy that he forgets how to be Leo."

"It's not just him," Jim confesses. "Being captain...I have to be strong for my crew all the time. I have to be okay.”

“But you’re not okay, Jim,” Eleanor says softly, and Jim’s eyes drift shut.

“No,” he admits. It’s a strangled sound, like he’s fighting past an invisible hand around his throat. Eleanor keeps a steady arm around his waist as he shakes from the force of it. “I’m not okay. Not at all.”

“That’s why Leo brought you here,” she says, confident of it even if Leo hasn’t said as much. “So you could leave the captain in San Francisco and just be Jim. So you could admit to yourself and your friends you’re not okay.”

“I – I don’t know how. Growing up – I didn’t have any choice but to keep going. There wasn’t anybody that was going to help me.” His face flushes with what looks like embarrassment but what Eleanor realizes is shame and it makes her heart ache that anyone could have ever turned their back on this sweet boy. “My crew has been through enough. I’m not going to burden them with this now.”

“Your friends want to help you,” Eleanor corrected. “And do I look burdened to you?” Jim looks up, surprised, like he hadn’t even realized what he’d done. After a few long seconds he huffs out a soft chuckle.

“That’s different,” he teases weakly. “You’ve got special mom powers.”

She laughs. “Well, that may be true. But Jim, don’t you realize you’re not going to get your best friend back until you get rid of this elephant between the two of you?”

Jim goes still, a pained expression on his face like he’s desperately trying to find a last-minute argument, before he sighs, his shoulders sagging, and nods his acceptance.  She pats his hand.

"Ms.  Eleanor?"  It's so quiet, she almost doesn't hear it.  "Can I tell something else?  Just between the two of us?"

"Of course you can, Jim," she says.  "You can tell me anything, you know that."

"This thing with Bones...it's not just because he's my best friend.  He's more than that.  I..." his voice drifts off and Eleanor squeezes his hand, as if she could will him to finally say it.  "I love him."

Eleanor breathes a sign of relief, bites back the urge to say  _I know, I've known for years, and he loves you too._ "You need to -"

"I'm not going to tell him," he interrupts.  "I can't.  I can't risk losing him."

"Jim -"

"Ms. Eleanor." Jim's voice is flat and commanding.  "I'm not telling him."

Eleanor could scream from the frustration, but she takes a deep breath instead.  "You still need to talk to him.  Even if you don't tell him - you need to talk to him, Jim."

Jim nods, lets out a jagged sigh.  "I have no idea where he is."

Eleanor smiles, grateful to have a reason to.  "He's lived on this farm all his life, Jim.  You think I haven't figured out his hiding spots by now?"  


	7. Chapter 7

The barn door creaks as he slides it open, revealing the hovercar Scotty and Chekov have been working on, and behind it, a ladder. He stops at the base of it. He’s never been one to wait for permission, least of all from Bones.

But he and Bones have never been in this place before.

There’s a shuffling noise before Bones comes into view, his head hanging over the side of the loft. He looks tired, sad.

Not sad, _lost_. Jim imagines he must look the same way.

Then Bones sighs and tilts his head in a _come on_ gesture and Jim is scrambling up the ladder towards him. The loft is small, barely the size of a king-sized bed, and the ceiling slopes above it low, forcing Jim to crouch as he sits. Bones is lying down, a book – some adventure story Leo probably has been reading and rereading since he was a kid – splayed open against his chest. For a long few moments they just look at each other.

Then Jim takes a breath and breaks the silence.

“I’ve been lying to you,” he says, quiet. “Every day, every time you ask me if I’m okay, I’ve been lying to you. Because I’m not okay, Bones.” His voice wavers and Bones reaches out, wraps his hand around Jim’s. “In fact, I’m pretty fucked up right now. And all I want is my best friend to help me except I don’t know how to talk to him anymore –”

He’s being pulled forward now, into Leo’s arms, and he falls into it with a sob, feels Bones’s arms wrap tight around him. Leo’s cheek is wet against his, his chest shaking under his, and he’s whispering hoarsely in Jim’s ear, _I’m sorry, Jim, I’m so sorry_. “I’m sorry, too,” he chokes out, “I’m sorry I pushed you away, I’m sorry I lied to you – ”

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Leo soothes, his voice wet with tears, his hand warm against the nape of Jim’s neck. “We both lied, Jim, to each other and to ourselves. We’re both hurting right now and instead of admitting it, we pushed each other away.” He rests his forehead against Jim’s shoulder, lets out a shuddery sigh. “God, Jim.”

Jim hugs him tighter. He’s practically in Leo’s lap now, but he’s too far gone to care much anymore, so instead of pulling away he slides a leg around Leo’s hip, pulls them closer. “I miss you,” he whispers into Leo’s dark hair, feels him nod against his shoulder.

“I want to say I’ve been right here, but I haven’t, really, have I?” Bones admits, his voice muffled by Jim’s shirt, and Jim feels a strange relief to hear Bones say it out loud. “You were right when I’ve just been a doctor for the last few weeks. I just – I needed to feel like I had some sort of control over the situation. And then I got mad when you tried to get back some control for yourself.”

Jim shakes his head. “I forced you to crack down on me by pulling stupid stunts like this morning. I know I’m a god-awful patient, Bones.”

Leo huffs out a small laugh. “You really are,” he agrees. He lifts his head, studies Jim in the dim light. “Jim. What you said, about you being my experiment. You don’t really think -”

“No,” Jim says, the shame obviously in his voice. “No, Bones, I’ve never thought that.” He swallows hard. “I was trying to hurt you. That’s why I said it, and I’m so sorry.” Jim feels Leo sigh, and then the hand against the nape of his neck squeezes as Leo silently accepts his apology.

“That’s our problem, isn’t it?” Leo says quietly. “We’ve been treating each other as strangers this whole time. It’s like we’ve forgotten how to just be us.”

“Jim and Bones,” Jim says. “That’s what I miss, just being Jim and Bones.”

“Yeah,” Leo agrees softly. “Best friends against the world.”

“Damn right.” Jim’s smile is shy and small and it does something to Leo’s heart that makes his breath catch. Something dark drifts across his eyes before he drops his head, squeezes them shut. “No,” Jim orders, giving him a hard shake. He won’t let them go backwards, not now. “No, don’t hide from me. Say it, just say it.”

“Seeing you in the body bag.” His voice is low and weak, and Jim has to force himself to not turn away from the pain he sees when Bones meets his eyes. “God, Jim, it broke my fucking heart.” “

I’m sorry,” Jim says helplessly, pressing his forehead to Leo’s. They’ve never talked about it, not once, never even said the most basic truths to each other: _I died. You brought me back_. “I’m sorry, Bones.”

“I never got a chance to say goodbye,” Leo whispers. “When I found out Scotty called Spock and not me…”

“I told Scotty not to call you,” Jim reveals suddenly, holds Leo close when he pulls away with a sharp gasp. “No, listen to me. I was dying. There’s was nothing anyone could have done for me in there. But you – you would have tried anyway. You would have forced open that door to get to me and it would have killed us both, Bones, you know it’s true.” Leo’s eyes drift shut and he nods, just barely. “And I – I could barely hold myself together with Spock. If it has been you on the other side of the glass - ” He looks away, shakes his head. “No. It couldn’t have been you, Bones.” He searches Leo’s face for some sign of understanding. “Please tell me you understand.”

“I do,” Leo says. “I do understand. If I thought there was a way to save you…there isn’t anything I wouldn’t have done.”

“I know how much it weighs on you that you broke your oath,” Jim says quietly, and Leo looks up, surprised, because he’d had no idea Jim had even considered it.

“Well, I’d already broken it once,” he jokes weakly, because he doesn’t know what else to say. Jim narrows his eyes at him.

“That was completely different,” he says, a trace of annoyance in his voice that Leo would even compare the two. “Your father – Bones, that was completely different. You were honoring your father’s final wishes, giving him a peaceful end when the only other option was needless suffering. But this time – you didn’t have to do what you did.”

“Of course I did,” Leo says immediately, and he can’t help the disbelief in his voice that Jim would ever think he would choose differently. “Of course I did, Jim. What I did – yes, it haunts me. It haunts me that I was able to use it for myself and no one else will ever be able to do the same at the same time it haunts me that some shadow agency wants to use it to build their army. I lied in the official report because we should not have the right to play at God. I should not have had that right.” He takes a deep breath. “But if you think I’ve regretted it for a second, then you don’t know me very well.”

“And if someone cracks and tells Starfleet the truth, and they strip you of your medical license? What about then?” Jim demands, and Leo grabs his arm, shakes him hard.

“They could throw me in the brig, kick me to the curb, it wouldn’t matter,” he swears, and he means it with his whole heart. “Jim, it wouldn’t matter, as long as you’re alive.”

“Then why - ” Jim’s face cracks and he looks sad and vulnerable and young. “Why are you mad at me, Bones?”

“Jim, I’m not - ”

"You won’t look me in the eye,” Jim says bluntly. “You won’t look me in the eye and I hate it.”

“Jim.” He cups the back of Jim’s neck and forces his face up, makes sure Jim knows he’s looking right at him. “I’m not mad at you. If I’m mad at anything - ” He shakes his head. “If I’m mad at anyone, I’m mad at myself.”

Jim’s forehead crinkles in confusion. “Why would you be mad at yourself?” he asks. Leo looks away, shakes his head again, and Jim takes his chin in his hand and forces his gaze back. “Why would you be mad at yourself, Bones?”

“Because.” It comes out in barely a whisper. “Because I can bring you back from the dead but I still can’t find the courage to tell you how I feel.”

There must be a butterfly in his chest because it’s the only way to explain the fluttering Jim feels. He wills his hand to hold steady against Leo’s skin. “You can tell me now,” he whispers back, and the hope buzzes like electricity under his skin. Bones just holds his gaze, the uncertainty clear in his eyes. Jim strokes his thumb against Leo’s cheek. “You can tell me,” he promises.

Bones blinks once, twice, and exhales. “I love you,” he whispers, and Jim can’t help the relieved sob that forces its way out. “I’m in love with you, Jim. I have been for as long as I can remember.”

"Bones." Jim feels like his heart might burst inside him and he's crawling closer, his chest pressed to Leo's, because he needs Leo's heat to know this is real. Leo's back heaves under his hands and he realizes Bones is shaking, waiting for an answer. "Oh God, I love you, too, Bones, I always have."

"Don't say it just because I said it, Jim," Bones says, his voice unsteady. "Don't say if you don't mean it, Jim, I don't think I could take that -"

"I mean it," Jim says, and he gives a wet laugh. "Jesus, Bones, just ask your mom. She'll tell you I was crying on her shoulder because I thought there was no way my best friend would ever return my feelings."

"Are you -" Bones yanks him forward to look in his eyes. "You're serious?"

"I never joke about crying on somebody's mom," Jim says solemnly, and Bones just shakes his head.

"She's been after me for years," he says, laughing, and Jim's eyes pop in surprise. "She's been after me for years to tell you how I feel."

"Oh my God," and Jim's laughing now too. "Your mother is so much smarter than us, Bones."

"So much," Leo agrees. He slides his hand around Jim's neck, strokes gently at the short hairs at the nape of the neck. "God, Jim. So many years we wasted." He swallows hard. "I could have lost you and we never would have known -"

"Hey." Jim gives him a short shake. "Hey. Stop. There's no use in regretting the past, Bones. Not when we're here together, now."

Bones gives him a long look, and nods his head in agreement. "And now that we're here, together," he murmurs, "what happens next?"

Jim strokes a thumb against Leo's lower lip, watches his eyes slip shut. "Well, I was thinking I would kiss you," he says softly, and Bones lifts his eyes and smiles.

"Never kissed a guy before," he reveals, and Jim can't help the slow grin that creeps out at the thought that he’s the first man Bones will ever be with.

"Good," is all he says, before he leans forward and presses his lips to Leo's. Bones is still for a moment before his hand tightens in Jim's hair and he kisses back. It's a sweet, gentle kiss, all hope and promise, and it takes Jim back to a field in Iowa and his first love, the first time he realized there was something out there that could combat the hurt.

Leo's lips are soft and dry, a little chapped from the constant worrying he does. "Jim," Bones whispers against his lips, and Jim smiles, kisses a little deeper, his tongue slipping out to stroke against Leo's lower lip. Bones shudders under his hands and opens up to him, lets Jim stroke his tongue against his own, slow and languid. Jim's hand slips under the hem of Leo's shirt, and the skin underneath is warm and smooth and makes Jim want more. Then Bones is pulling back with a soft _Jim_ and a hand to his chest, and for a split second Jim thinks it's all going to come crashing down around him.

"Bones," he starts, tries to head it off, but Leo lays his fingertips against his lips and shakes his head. He slides back, lays down against the pillows at the head of the loft. Holds his hand out for Jim to follow.

"Oh, God," Jim can't help but say, because damned if this isn't his dream come true. He crawls up Leo's long body, stays like that for a long moment, on all fours above him. "I love you," he whispers, and watches Bones smiles shyly.

"I love you too," he whispers back, and pulls him down to lay on top of him, pulls him into another kiss, more forceful now. Jim shifts his leg, lets it fall in between Leo's, and Bones rolls his hips up to meet him. He's half-hard already, Jim not far behind him, not when Bones is running his hands along his hips like that, fingertips light against his skin. Jim slides his mouth down, kisses along a strong jaw line to suck on the soft flesh of the ear. Bones makes a breathy noise underneath him that Jim feels in his cock so he does it again, drags his teeth along the lobe and jaw before licking back up the Adam's apple. Bones pulls his face back, kisses him again, his tongue thrusting in and out in rhythm with his hips, and Jim moans into the kiss before pulling up. He tugs at Leo's shirt and Bones pulls up enough for him to get it off before grabbing at Jim's. Jim sits up fully, twists his arms up and over, intending to give Bones a good show.

Then his wrist bone connects with the roof of the barn with a sharp _thwack_ and he yelps.

"You gotta watch out for that," Bones smirks, and Jim huffs.

"Now you tell me," he whines, and Bones makes a soft tsking sound before taking Jim's hand and laying a soft kiss on his wrist, his tongue darting out to stroke against the pulse point.

"Better?" he murmurs, and Jim breathes out a soft _yes_ before ducking down to run his tongue along Leo's clavicle, up his shoulder. Bones wraps a hand into his hair, moans softly as Jim kisses down his sternum before drifting over and taking a nipple in his mouth, dragging his teeth over it before licking out his tongue, curling around the soft nub. He thumbs at the other side, feels Bones twitch underneath him.

"You like that?" he teases against Leo's skin, smirking when Bones can only whine in response. He sucks harder, switches to the other side and does the same. Leo's hands are warm and strong against his back, his fingers pressing deep into the muscle as he pulls Jim closer. Then he bucks his hips up, and Jim gasps as their cocks rub together through their pants. "Oh God, Bones," he gasps. "Bones - is this - are we moving too fast?" Bones gives a throaty laugh, grinds his hips up against Jim’s.

"Jim, we've been dancing around each other for seven years, and we just finally got to second base." He wraps a leg around Jim's hip, and Jim moans. "I think we've waited long enough."

"Yeah," Jim agrees breathlessly, the relief sudden and warm in his veins. "Yeah, okay. Me too. Just, you know, wanted to make sure."

"I appreciate that," Bones says dryly, and Jim gives him a half-hearten scowl before sucking a deep mark into his neck. Bones gives a surprised laugh that morphs into a moan as Jim licks at the spot, soothing it with his tongue. He kisses him again, sliding a hand down Leo's firm body, stopping at the waist band of his pants, stroking the soft skin there. Leo's muscles tense under his fingertips and Jim stills, pulls back a little to watch Leo’s face.

Bones looks at him, his eyes bright and clear, like it’s the first time he’s ever truly seen him, and Jim thinks, _well, I guess it really is_. He’s spent the last five years holding back that last bit of himself for fear of losing his best friend. It’s like putting down a burden he didn’t even realize he was carrying.

Leo’s mouth quirks up into a small smile, shy and soft, and it leaves Jim speechless, his heart pounding against his rib cage. Leo strokes his cheek, his lower lip, following his touches with barely-there kisses, his lips just skimming against Jim’s skin. Then he pulls Jim down and really kisses him, deep and filthy, his tongue tangling against Jim’s. A hand comes to settle on Jim’s, and Jim has to break the kiss and watch as Leo wraps his fingers through Jim's and guides his hand down. "Fuck, Bones," Jim whispers as Bones drags their hands along his hard erection. Leo's breathing grows heavy, his eyes half-closed as Jim grips him harder, strokes him once, twice, before releasing him just long enough to pull his pants down over his cock.

"Jim," Bones breathes, and Jim takes him in hand again. His cock is long and thick in Jim's hand, and he watches Leo's hazel eyes go dark as he runs his thumb over the tip.

"So fucking perfect, Bones," he says, his voice thick with emotion and Bones bucks up into his tight grasp. "Do you have any idea how long I've thought about doing this? How many nights I laid in bed thinking about touching you like this?" Bones moans out his response, his hands clutching at Jim's hips, his back. "Next time I'm going to suck you," he promises, "I'm going to suck you and you're going to come in my mouth. Do you want that, Bones?"

"Fuck, yes," Bones wails. "God, Jim, I'm close -"

"That's it, baby," Jim murmurs against his ear. "Jesus, you're so fucking beautiful like this, Bones, you have no idea." He pulls Leo's face over, fucks his tongue in his mouth as he tightens his grip around his cock. "You're going to come for me, aren't you, baby?"

"Yeah," Bones breathes into his mouth. "Jim, fuck, I'm gonna come." His head snaps back against the pillow and his hips thrusts forward once, twice before he freezes all over and comes, warm and thick over Jim's hand.

" _Bones_ ," Jim moans, because just the sight of it almost drives him over the edge. "God damn it, Bones."

"Come here," Leo whispers, pulling him in between his legs, tugging down on the waist of Jim's pants. " _Fuck_ , Jim, come here, let me touch you -" Then his hand is wrapping around Jim's aching cock and he can't help but cry out at the sensation. Bones strokes him hard, curling his hand around to rub against the tip as he moves, and Jim throws his head back, meets him thrust for thrust. "Come on, darlin'," Leo encourages, his other hand kneading the soft flesh of Jim's ass. "Please, Jim, I want to see you come."

The orgasm shoots down Jim's spine and he comes with a shout, his head dropping hard against Leo's shoulder blade. He hears Bones whispering soft encouragements as he drifts back to himself. "Oh, fuck," he whines, out of breath, out of his mind. "Oh, fuck, Bones."

"Yeah," Bones agrees with a laugh. "That's about the sum of it." He looks at his hand, sticky and wet, before grabbing his shirt and wiping them both off before tossing it to the side. The shirt sails down off the loft, coming to land at the base of the ladder.

"You're gonna regret that when we have to go back to the house," Jim teases against his neck. "Unless you want your mama to know you've been foolin' around in the barn."

Bones snorts. "At least I know she approves of who I've got up here," he teases back. "Unlike some other times."

Jim pushes up on his hands and fixes Bones with an amused stare. "Leonard McCoy, are you telling me you've brought other paramours up here?" Bones gives an innocent shrug.

"A gentleman never kisses and tells. Besides, I didn't bring you up here. You came on your own."

"Hmph. Semantics."

"Well, how about this." Bones kisses him, long and sweet, and Jim melts against the touch. "What if I told you you're the last person I ever plan on bringing up here?"

Jim feels it like a fire in his chest, the love he has for this man, the love that Bones has for him. "I could live with that," he says, as if the casual tone in his voice could fool anyone.

"Good," Bones says softly. He pulls Jim down, wraps them both up in the heavy blanket bunched at their feet. "That's good, Jim."

“Bones, it’s the middle of the afternoon,” Jim protests, but it’s half-hearted at best, since he’s tucking himself up close to Bones even as he complains.

“Hush,” Bones grumbles, pushes Jim’s head down on the pillow next to him. Jim laughs and smacks his hand away. “Nap now. Talk later.”

“Okay, Bones,” Jim agrees. He closes his eyes, listens to the soft beating of Leo’s heart. “Okay.”


	8. Chapter 8

Leo opens his eyes slowly, and tries to remember where he is.

He smells wood, and hay, and a musky aftershave that he’d know anywhere, and it all comes rushing back. _The loft. Jim._

He turns his head to the side, and finds bright blue eyes gazing back. “Hey,” Jim says softly, his mouth quirked up in a bemused smile.

“Hey,” Leo whispers back. He stretches out long, tries not to smirk when Jim’s eyes drift down his body. “How long was I asleep?”

“Not long. An hour or so.” Jim bites his lip, unsure for a second, before he leans in just an inch, and Leo reaches out, pulls him into a kiss that wipes out any hesitation either of them might have been feeling. Leo rolls to his side, presses Jim into the wall of the loft and Jim wraps a leg around Leo’s thigh. The kiss is warm and consuming and it slakes a thirst Jim hadn’t even known could be relieved. “I never want to stop this,” he pants against Leo’s mouth, feels Leo’s hand squeeze his hip in response. “I don’t ever want to stop kissing you. I don’t think I can.”

“So don’t,” Leo whispers back, biting gently at his lower lip, and Jim moans. He wants nothing more than to stay here forever, wrapped up in Bones, but he can’t help but know there’s a whole world out there waiting for them. He’s made his amends with Bones but his crew is still hurt and waiting. He gives a gentle tug to Leo’s hair, pulls them apart.

“At some point, Spock would relieve us both of duty,” he teases, because he knows the reaction it will provoke, and Leo groans as if on command, scrunching his nose into a disgusted wrinkle.

“Could you not talk about Spock when we’re making out, please?” Jim chuckles, pulls Leo close.

“Uhura slapped me after you left,” he says, because he’s never been one to censor himself much, and Leo chokes on his own surprise.

“Damn it, man! I’ve been waiting seven years for that and I missed it!”

Jim eyes him in mock annoyance. “Don’t sound so heart-broken,” he complains, and Leo snorts. “All right, fine. I kind of deserved it.”

“You kind of did.”

“Scotty said something to me.” Jim tucks his face up close to Leo’s neck. “He said…he said the Jim Kirk they knew would never treat his best friend like that. And I…”

Leo strokes his arm. “And you?”

“I told him that Jim Kirk died in the warp core,” Jim whispers, and Leo sucks in a pained breath.

“Tell me you know that’s not true,” he begs, his grip tight around Jim’s bicep. “Tell me, Jim, please.”

“I don’t know what’s true anymore,” Jim says, because he doesn’t. “Not when it comes to me. I died, Bones. I died, and that’s not even the craziest part. You know what the craziest part is?”

Leo shakes his head, because he doesn’t trust his voice.

“I died, but I _didn’t_ , because we all lied, told Starfleet it didn’t happen.” Jim swallows thickly. “And sometimes…sometimes I feel like _that’s_ the truth, like what really happened is a figment of my imagination.”

“ _Jim._ ”

“The only reason I know it happened is that hollow look in your eyes,” Jim says, his gaze empty and unfocused, and Leo squeezes his own eyes shut against the tears. “That and the way everyone treats me, all kid gloves and pity, like I’m a china doll someone dropped and glued back together.”

“I’m sorry,” Leo chokes out, because it’s all he can say. “I’m so sorry, Jim.”

“I just want to be me again,” Jim says, and it’s pitiful, even to his own ears. “I just want to go drinking with my crew and spar way too hard with Sulu and get dirty doing repairs with Scotty. I want to get within ten feet of Chekov without him getting that panicked look on his face.”

“To be honest, he kind of did that before all this happened,” Leo mumbles, and Jim huffs out a chuckle.

“I want Uhura to roll her eyes whenever I say anything vaguely inappropriate.” He pauses, looks Leo straight in the eye. “And I want you and Spock to stop shooting each other looks and plotting how to _placate_ me.”

“Jim – “

“I know, part of that is my own fault,” Jim hastens to add, and Leo’s frown eases a little. “But Bones, you have to admit you do it.”

 _We’re just trying to keep you safe_ , Leo wants to protest, but he bites his tongue against the useless defense. “You’re right,” he says instead. He gives a little smirk. “I guess I’ll just have to go back to antagonizing him.”

Jim’s laugh is clear and strong, and it makes Leo’s heart flutter pleasantly in his chest. “You have my full permission,” he says, and Leo grins.

“Can I get that in writing? Something I can submit to Starfleet when he finally cracks and chucks something at my head?”

“No need, I’ll defend you,” Jim reassures him.  Leo chuckles.  Then his face turns serious.

"You're never going to be the same person again," he says, stroking his thumb against Jim's cheek.  "But you're going to find yourself again, Jim, I know you will.  And I'll be here the whole way."

Jim smiles softly, leans in for a kiss, and Leo sinks into it, feels in it everything Jim isn't able to say.  When the pull apart, Jim's eyes are shiny but bright.  "I never doubted it."


	9. Chapter 9

Spock is… troubled.

He sits, cross-legged, at the base of the bed he and Nyota have shared for the last three days. He’s trying to meditate, but his mind seems to fight him, focusing instead on the confrontation he’d witnessed an hour prior.  The tension between the doctor and the captain has been obvious for some time, and he is not surprised that it has come to a head as it has. He had long since abandoned any attempt to understand the dynamics of their relationship – Nyota had advised him that such a venture was hopeless and thus highly illogical – but they are his friends, and as such, he cannot help but maintain a level of concern for their well-being.

The door opens and Nyota slips in. She’s clearly moving quietly to avoid disturbing him, and he says her name softly to alert her that there is no need for worry.

“I just needed my jacket. I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

“You have not,” he tells her. “I unfortunately have been unsuccessful in my attempts to meditate.”

“You’re worried about Jim and Leonard,” she says as she sits next to him on the floor, and he cants his head in agreeance. There’s a deep worry line between her brows, and she looks sad, and tired. He hesitates a moment, then reaches out and strokes his fingers against hers. He is rewarded with a smile and a soft human kiss against his cheek. “I’ve never seen them like this,” she sighs, a statement which holds more weight coming from her than anyone, given that she has known them for as long as they’ve known each other. “What if they can’t work this out?”

“I am also concerned they will not be able to reconcile their differences,” he says. “I am also concerned of the possible effects of the additional stress on the doctor should Starfleet decide to resume their investigation.” Friendships aside, the futures of the Enterprise’s crew became irrevocably intertwined when they agreed to present false information to Starfleet to protect their captain and their chief medical officer. Spock himself is at more risk that most, as it was his signature, along with Dr. McCoy’s, at the bottom of the official report, the one that declared Jim had been near-death but recovered due to the vigilant efforts of the Enterprise’s medical staff.

Spock knows he told John Harrison – Khan – that Vulcans cannot lie. But no other Vulcan has ever served about the Enterprise.

After he’d dragged Khan back to the Enterprise, made sure he was secure in their one functioning brig cell, he’s rushed to Medbay, spends the next day and a half under sedation as he recovers from his injuries. It’s not until he awakes that he learns exactly what McCoy is trying to do, and it is his first instinct – the logical instinct – to put an end to McCoy’s work and brig him for violating both his own medical oath and Starfleet regulations.

Instead he does what he so rarely allows himself to do: he listens to his human half. He tells Starfleet that Dr. McCoy is correct; although the Enterprise’s medical facilities are not at optimum levels, it is best that, until he is further stabilized, the captain is not moved to Starfleet Medical. Then he lets himself into the lab and asks McCoy what he can do to help.

When the serum works – when Jim’s heart starts to beat again, steady and strong – McCoy’s entire body crumples and he sobs, the tears coming down like a torrent. Spock feels himself uncomfortably close to his own boundaries, and excuses himself silently to walk the quiet halls of the ship. He doesn’t even realize he has made his way to Nyota’s quarters until the doors slide open and she is there, holding out her hand. He tells her they have been successful; then he lays his head in her lap, her hands carding soothingly through his hair, and sleeps.

He spends the next two weeks of waiting with McCoy, writing and rewriting their version of history, and with Chekov and Scotty, revising every data file they can think of to make it match.

Then Jim wakes up.

Starfleet takes one look at the report they submit and barrages them with questions, and it is immediately clear that they do not believe what has been written. But they keep to their story, every last one of them, unified in their defense of their crewmates. It helps them that Khan is refrozen almost immediately, without benefit of trial, and thus is unable to contradict them.

The pressure seems to be easing when the first Section 31 agent shows up at his door.

Starfleet is persistent but civil but the Section 31 agents see no need for such niceties, and Spock more than once thinks he will need to send out an emergency message to Kirk telling him he has been detained. He calculates the odds of his crewmates – those not as capable of controlling their reactions and emotions as he – breaking under the pressure and finds it logical to start making plans for what will happen after, after he’s been tried and stripped of his rank. But the dam holds, the visits stop – although he is certain they are still watching them, waiting for their chance – and then McCoy is suggesting a trip to Georgia, for a little sunlight and fresh air.

“The dam finally broke,” he says softly, and Nyota cocks her head in confusion. “The pressure of the entire situation. It is only logical that the effects would manifest themselves in a physical manner at some point.”

“As long as we were in San Francisco, acting in an official capacity, it would have held,” Nyota explains, “but here, in this comfortable place, with just us – if it had to happen, thank God it was here. Thank God Leonard brought us here.”

“It is clear the doctor thought he was taking us away from the situation,” Spock counters. Nyota shakes her head.

“He was, but Jim, he may have been an asshole about it, but he wasn’t all wrong. Leonard’s so focused on _fixing_ the whole thing that he can’t see anything else. And Jim – well, you know Jim. He’d cut off his nose to spite his face if he thought he was making a point, and there’s no more I mportant point for him to make than he’s _fine_. That he’s worthy of command.”

“They are both remarkable in their individual capacity for sheer stubbornness,” Spock agrees, and Nyota laughs.

“Ain’t that the truth."

“Then I suppose,” Spock says, “we have reached the stage of the process where we can only hope to provide support and guidance."He meets her gaze. “As you have done for me in these past weeks.”

Nyota’s lips parted slightly in surprise, and then she smiles, her dark eyes soft and loving. Her fingers trace gently against his arm and he realizes she is mapping out the curvature of a Vulcan word. _Ashayam_ , she writes against his skin, and he wraps his fingers around her other hand, pulls her close to him.


	10. Chapter 10

Spock wakes to the smell of freshly baked bread.

They’d sat there, he and Nyota, for some time, and when he sensed that she was falling asleep, it had seemed only logical to move them both to the bed. He’d closed his eyes intending only to meditate.

He looks to the chrono. That had been two hours ago.

There’s the sound of a door slamming, and then voices, Chekov and Scotty, if his hearing serves him. He and Nyota descend downstairs, find much of the crew already there, the bread already half-eaten. It’s Jim and Leonard that are missing, but Miss Eleanor looks, if not completed at ease, then significantly less worried that earlier in the day, and Spock can only assume there has been a change for the positive in his absence. His suspicions are substantiated when he approaches for a cup of tea and she smiles.

“Am I correct to assume that you have had an opportunity to speak with either Jim or Leonard, or both?”

“To Jim,” she confirms, “who then left to talk to Leo. That was some time ago, and I haven’t heard any screaming, so they’ve either made up or murdered each other.”

“Those are the only logical options,” Spock says dryly, and Eleanor looks up in surprise.

“Did you just sass me, Spock?” she asks, delighted.

“I was merely trying to adopt the local customs,” he deadpans back. She laughs, loud, and pats his arm.

“We’ll make a Southerner out of you yet,” she teases. Then something catches her eye, a shadow of movement, and she makes a soft noise.

“Miss Eleanor? Are you all right?”

She shushes him, leans up close to the back door. “You hear that?” she whispers, and he realizes, he does. It’s a quiet thump, and Spock is ready to dismiss it as one of the farm animals before it becomes clear the sound is coming not from the yard, but from _above_.

He takes a step towards her. “Is that…footsteps?”

Eleanor purses her mouth tight against the giggles that threaten to spill out. Then she wags a finger at Spock – _watch_ _this_ – and leans out the back door, just the slightest. “James, dear?”

Spock cants his head, confused.

There’s a short silence. Then a throat is cleared and Jim steps into the threshold, a schooled look of forced innocence on his face, one that desperately tries to say, _I was not lurking on your porch, not at all._

“Yes, Miss Eleanor?”

“Can you please tell my son that since he left home, I’ve had the windows replaced, and the old smack-and-shimmy trick doesn’t work on his bedroom window anymore?”

Jim goes pale.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he says weakly, and Eleanor gives him a look.

“James,” she warns, and Jim makes a little squeaking noise, then clears his throat again.

“Bones,” he calls. “Your mom says -”

“I heard her,” comes the tight answer from up above. There’s a deep sigh and a flurry of movement as Leo swings down off the porch roof, landing soundly in front of the door. He folds his arms in front of his bare chest and nods.

“Mama,” he says.

“Leo,” she says in return.

Spock, hidden around the door frame, just arches an eyebrow.

“So I’m gonna…” He gestures towards the staircase, then thinks better of it and hastily refolds his arms. “Just gonna head upstairs for a minute.”

“Sure,” Eleanor says evenly. “Dinner will be ready in a few.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Leo steps around his mother.

Comes to a dead halt.

“Doctor,” Spock says finally. In the dining room, the rest of the crew gapes.

Leo turns beet red, then nods sharply and slams up the stairs.

Seven sets of eyes turn to Jim.

“So,” Jim says brightly. “What’s everyone been up to?”

There’s a beat of silence and then a cacophony so loud Eleanor actually puts her hands to her ears. She looks at Jim, expecting him to be blushing but he’s laughing, and when she catches his eye, he just smiles and shakes his head. Then he puts two fingers in his mouth and whistles, a sound sharp and clear it’s like a train coming through the station.

The room goes silent.

“Okay,” Jim starts. “I know how it looks –”

“It looks like you and the doc had a wee bit of grown-up fun,” Scotty interjects, a mixture of shock and amusement playing across his face, “while we were here _worrying_ about you.”

“ – and I know you have a lot of questions –”

“Yeah,” Sulu chimes in. “Like were you and McCoy just really, you know –”

“Doing the dirty,” Chekov provides.

“Aggressively cuddling,” Uhura pipes up.

“Riding a dragon upon St. George,” Carol chimes in. Scotty whistles, an impressed sound, and holds out a fist. Carol bumps it. Jim groans.

“Perhaps we should all focus on what the captain has to say,” Spock interjects, his displeased school master face on, and the crew mumbles their complaints but quiets.

“Right. I understand your questions, if not the images – and seriously, what the _fuck_ , Carol – but that’s gonna have to wait for Bones to get back. Until then…I need to say something, before I lose my nerve.” Jim takes a deep breath. “I need to say I’m sorry. For speaking to you the way I did. For the way I’ve been treating all of you.”

“Jim,” Scotty starts. “You don’t have to –”

“I do,” Jim interrupts. “I do. Shit, this isn’t just since Kronos. I should have listened to you, Scotty. I should never have let you resign.”

Scotty tilts his head like he’s going to protest but he just nods instead.

“And Pavel – I grabbed you off the bridge and I put you in charge of engineering without an explanation and then I let you take the blame when it all went wrong.”

“Captain, I was there, of course you thought it was my doing –”

Jim scoffs. “Pavel, please. You and Scotty, you know that core like the back of your hand. I knew damn well it wasn’t anything you had done. And even if that hadn’t been what happened – it wasn’t fair of me to put you in that situation. I’m sorry.”

“Yes, Captain,” Chekov says quietly. The relief is obvious on his young face. “Apology accepted, of course.”

“So. I just wanted to – I just wanted to tell you all that. That I’m sorry. And that…”

He hesitates, his voice catching in his throat. Eleanor reaches forward, takes his hand in hers and squeezes. He looks back at her, and when she nods, he gives a watery smile.

“These past months have been a struggle,” he forces out, and there’s a collective sigh from the crew, as if to say, _finally_.

“We know, Jim,” Uhura says softly. “How could it not have been?”

“Why do you think we’re here?” Sulu asks, and the look of surprise on Jim’s face is almost comical.

“I thought – I thought you just wanted to get away from Starfleet for a little while,” Jim stutters, and Scotty actually chuckles.

“Jim, you think Georgia is the only other option? You think – and no offense to you, Ms. Eleanor, you’ve been nothing but lovely – you think if we didn’t want to be here for you, I wouldn’t be in Scotland and Pavel wouldn’t be in Russia and Hikaru wouldn’t be –” Scotty pauses, then shrugs. “Well, he’d still be in San Francisco but with that new boyfriend of his, not headquarters.”

Jim’s mouth opens, then clicks shut, and he swallows. “Well, shit,” he says finally, his voice thick. He gives a short laugh. “I guess my head really has been up my ass for a while, huh?”

“You always have been a thick-skulled son of a bitch,” Leo says, and they turn to see him leaning in the doorway at the base of the stairs, a soft smile playing at his lips. “I guess it’s a good thing we all love you so damn much.”

“My thick skull has done me well more than once,” Jim jokes weakly, and Leo rolls his eyes and comes to stand by his mother.

“Don’t I know it.”

There’s a moment of silence.

Then Eleanor reaches out and smacks Leo upside the head.

“ _Mama_ ,” he howls, his eyes bugged wide, “what the _hell_?”

“That’s for making me wait six years,” she scolds him angrily, then turns and does the same to Jim, who just yelps and hides behind his arms. “The both of you!”

“Have you lost your damned mind, woman?”

“You watch your fool mouth, Leonard Horatio McCoy,” Eleanor warns. She grabs the rolling pin of the counter, pokes it at him, and Leo jerks away with an indignant squeak. “ _Six_ _years,_ I’ve been watching the two of you _pine_ over each other.”

“ _Excuse_ _me_ ,” Jim objects, aghast. He draws himself up to his full height, puffs out his chest. “I am a starship captain. I do not _pine_.”

“Really? _That’s_ what you take objection to?” Leo hollers. Jim shrugs.

“This is happening?” Sulu whispers to Chekov. “I’m not imagining it?”

Chekov grins. “Oh, it’s happening.”

Leo glares, _watch yourself or ELSE_ , before he turns to his mother. “You don’t think, just maybe, this is a _private_ conversation?” he hisses. She just eyes him.

“Privacy went out the window when you walked into my house sporting _these_ ,” she retorts, and snakes out a hand to yank down his shirt collar and poke at the hickey at the base of his neck.

“ _Mama_!”

“Oh my God,” Uhura wheezes around her choked laughter. Carol gasps for breath next to her, tears streaming down her face. “ _Leonard_.”

“I can’t – I didn’t – ” Leo’s face burns bright red as he tries to force out a sentence. He forces out an angry breath and points an accusatory finger at Jim. “ _You_. This is _your_ fault.”

Jim’s eyes flare wide in surprise. “What the hell did I do?” he protests. “As memory serves, it was _your_ bright idea to climb through your bedroom window. And I warned you about using your shirt to –” he makes a circular motion, like he’s waxing a car. “ _You know_.”

“What – oh. _Oh_.” Scotty’s eyes go wide. Sulu makes a gagging noise.

“I just threw up a little in my mouth,” he mumbles.

Spock narrows his eyes. “I do not understand –”

“Later,” Uhura interrupts loudly. She pats his hand when he looks at her in surprise. “I’ll explain later.”

“This is not happening.” Leo’s folded up against the kitchen island, his face in his hands, and he’s muttering to himself in a bewildered tone. “This is not happening.”

Eleanor pats his head. _There, there_.

“Ah, Bones.” Jim’s arm is warm around his shoulders and he uncurls, reluctantly, as Jim tugs. Strong fingers guide his face around until he’s looking in Jim’s eyes, bright and smiling, and Leo is helpless against smiling back. Jim knocks his forehead against Leo’s – _I love you, I’m here for you_ – before straightening. “Better to get it all out in the open at once, don’t you think,” he teases, and Leo rolls his eyes, because of course he thinks that, it’s the Jim Kirk Method. “Besides, I can’t imagine it comes as a complete shock to anyone here.”

There’s a chorus of _no_ , _not_ _really_ from the group. “Even I knew something was up,” Carol adds, “and I’ve only been around for a few months.”

“Well, in any case, it’s official now. Bones and I, we’ve decided to be –” He pauses. “Boyfriends? Partners? Significant others?”

“No, no, and _no_ ,” Leo grunts. Jim huffs.

“So what would you suggest?”

“We –” Leo takes a deep breath, screws his courage to the sticking place. “We finally got our heads out of our asses long enough to admit we love each other.”

There’s a soft round of happy noises, and Eleanor grabs her son’s face, lands a wet kiss on his cheek. Jim laughs, gives Leo his own kiss. “I do,” he whispers, “so much,” and Leo nods, _me_ _too_.

“But we have not been _pining_ for six years,” he adds, his voice rough as he tries to regain some air of decorum. It’s directed at Eleanor but the words are barely out when there’s a small noise from the corner of the table.

The group turns.

Uhura blinks.

“What was that?” Scotty asks immediately.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she says blandly, her eyes unnaturally wide.

“He said something about six years,” Scotty points a finger at Leo, “and you made a wee noise, like you had something to say about it.”

“I did no such thing.”

“Nyota,” Leo rumbles. She looks up in surprise and he sighs, as if he can’t believe he’s encouraging this behavior. “Say it.”

She looks at him a moment longer, then at Jim, and sighs. “Gaila,” she says finally.

Jim’s brow pinches in confusion.

“Gaila was my roommate at the Academy,” she explains to the rest of the room. “She and Jim had an…on-going arrangement.”

“A mutually-beneficial on-going arrangement,” Jim interjects. Chekov snickers. Uhura rolls her eyes.

“I did not have the most positive of opinion of Jim at the time,” she says diplomatically, and Leo barks out a laugh, because God love her, but wasn’t that the understatement of the century, “but that didn’t stop Gaila from sneaking him into our room.” She trains her gaze on Jim. “That night I kicked you out – the night before the Kobayashi Maru – she and I had a long discussion about you. She told me she had said she loved you and you didn’t…reciprocate the feeling.”

Jim winces against the memory. “That wasn’t my finest moment,” he admits.

“You said, ‘that’s so weird,’” Uhura says flatly. Scotty lets out a low whistle.

“Jim,” Eleanor chastises. “Really?”

“I was caught off guard,” Jim grits out.

“Anyway,” Uhura continues, “I tried to impress upon her that she should be reasonable with her expectations about you –”

“I’m sure those are the words you used,” Sulu mumbles.

“ – but she told me she wasn’t surprised, that she knew it was more of a physical thing for you.”

“Sounds about right for the Jim I remember,” Leo pipes up.

“Not that I’m not enjoying this trip down memory lane,” Jim interrupts testily, giving Leo an annoyed side-eye, “but are we coming to the point any time soon?”

“My point being,” Uhura says archly, “she told me she wasn’t surprised because she knew you were already in love with someone else.” A small smile plays at her lips. “That you were already in love with your Dr. Leonard.”

He doesn’t know why, but the thought knocks the wind out of him a little, and he sags against Leo a little. A broad hand wraps around his waist, squeezes. “Huh,” he says intelligently.

“I told her she was insane, that she was imagining it all.” Uhura huffs out a laugh, wipes a drop of wetness from the corner of her eye. “I should have known better than to doubt an Orion when it came to matters of love.”

Jim breathes out a weak sigh. Gaila’d been a bright spot for him, all beauty and love and light, and smart as a whip on top of it all, and he’d mourned her deeply. He knows Uhura did the same. “She was my friend,” he says quietly. “It wasn’t just sex. I did care for her.”

Uhura’s gaze turns soft. “I know you did,” she assures him. “I may not have understood it at the time, but you worked well together. She was quite fond of you.” She nods towards Leo. “Of you both.”

Leo smiles. “She was a firecracker,” he says with a wry grin. “But, God. I’d forgotten about the _Dr_. _Leonard_ thing.”

Uhura laughs. “Even in private,” she swears, “it was always _Dr_. _Leonard_. I used to tease her, tell her if we all ended up on the same ship, she couldn’t be calling you Dr. Leonard in the middle of an emergency. She’d scoff and tell me of course she could.”

“And she would have, too.” Jim rubs his face, turns his gaze back towards Leo. He quirks an eyebrow back, and Jim laughs. “Shit. Okay. So apparently, we really have been pining this entire time.”

“I guess so,” Leo sighs. “You know what this means, right?”

Jim blinks. Leo cants his head towards his mother.

Eleanor gazes back, a veritable aura of satisfaction radiating from every pore.

Leo sighs again.

“You were right,” they chorus, and she beams.

“Thank you, boys,” she says pleasantly, as if she isn’t going to hold this over them for years to come. “Now that that’s all settled, how about some dinner? You’ve all had quite the afternoon." She hands Leo a stack of plates. “Some more _physically_ _taxing_ than others.”

“ _Mama_!”

 


	11. Chapter 11

“Well.”  The door closes behind him with a click.  “That was…interesting?”

Leo sits on the bed with a _whoof_.  “Interesting is one word for it.”

“I thought for sure Spock would have cited regulation at us,” Jim admits as he strips, pulls on a pair of sleep shorts.   He rubs the spot where Leo’d hypo’d him, his evening dose doubled to make up for that morning.  “He’s probably doing now to poor Uhura.”

“Like he’d be able to hold it in that long.”  Leo’s lip twitches up in a bemused smirk as he does the same.  Changing in front of Jim is nothing new; they've been doing it for years.  He's so used to studiously _not_ staring that it feels weird to be able to look.  “No, what they’re doing right now is listening with the ears to the walls, trying to catch us doing something dirty.”

Jim barks out a laugh as he drops down to the trundle sitting low on the floor.  Leo rolls, hangs his head over the edge of his own mattress so he can watch.   “Can’t blame them.  I’d be doing the same thing.  We could jump up and down on the beds,” he suggests, wiggling his eyebrows, and Leo laughs.  “Bang the headboard a little bit.”

“With my mother on one side and Spock and Uhura on the other?  No, thank you.”  He drops a hand down, strokes his thumb against Jim’s lower lip.  Jim makes a soft noise, surprise and desire all in one, before he tentatively takes Leo’s wrist, holds his hand still so he can kiss at the pad.  When Leo speaks his voice is rough and thick.  “But you could come lay up here with me.” 

Jim’s grins blooms fast, and then Leo’s flat on his back as Jim crawls up on top of him.  In his haste he moves too fast and rolls, hits the wall with a thump.  Leo snorts out a laugh as Jim scowls and rubs his shoulder.

“Why is it I hurt myself every time I try and get close to you?” he whines.  Leo tsks.

"I take it as a compliment," he murmurs, nuzzling up close to his neck, "that you can't wait to get close to me."  

 "Oh," Jim laughs, and Leo grins as he flops back on the pillow.  He twists around and straddles Leo's outstretched legs.  "You smooth motherfucker, you."  

 Leo hums his agreement, strokes his hands up and down Jim's thighs.  "Can I ask you something?" he asks suddenly.  

"Yeah, of course."

"So, you have experience, with men?"  Jim nods.  "I only ask - I never really saw you with guys at the Academy."

Jim shrugs.  "It was mostly before the Academy," he admits.  

"How come?"

"Well, the thing is..." He slips his hands up under the hem of Leo's shirt, runs his fingertips over his hip bones.  "I got to San Francisco and kind of developed a crush on this guy.  Didn't seem right to be hooking up with other guys."

Leo's hands still.  "Yeah?" he rumbles.

"Yeah."  Jim leans down on to his forearms, braced on either side of Leo's head.  "He was super hot and super smart but like, really,  _really_ grouchy."  Leo huffs in mock indignation and Jim laughs.  "Luckily, I was kind of into it."

"Lucky for him."

"I kind of loved it, actually," he admits.  He runs his hand through Leo's thick hair, and Leo makes a contented noise.  "I loved how he saw me for me and not for my family.  I loved how he didn't take any of my bullshit."  He straightens his legs so that's he laying along side Leo, up tight, and Leo turns on his side, tangles his legs in Jim's .  "I loved how he took care of me."

It's a little bit of surprise, because Leo knows Jim  _appreciates_ what he does, in the sense that Jim appreciates waking up in his own bed with a glass of water and not in a pool of his own vomit, or in the clinic, getting fixed up and smacked with demerits, but he never thought he actually  _liked_ it, not when he's always running from Leo's care at the first chance.  "He must have really loved you to do all that," he says quietly, and Jim's lips curl up into a soft smile.

"You know what the best part is?" he whispers.  "He's still doing it.  And I still love it.  Still love him."

Leo breathes out his name like a prayer, kisses him soft and deep.  Jim strokes his tongue against his, strokes his hands over the small of his back.  "Turn out the lights," he murmurs against Leo's lips, "and then get back over here."  Leo twists, hits the panel, and the room plunges into darkness, but as he reaches for Jim, he feels him sit up.

"Hey, Bones."  Jim's voice is low and full of mischief, and Leo can practically hear his grin in the dark.  "You ever have sex in this bed?"

Leo huffs out a laugh, declines to answer, knowing full well Jim will take it as an admission of guilt.

"You have," he says on cue, and Leo has to smile.  "Spill, Bones.  Now."

"Why?"  He shifts his body so he's lying on his side, his nose almost touching Jim's.  "Does it turn you on to think of me having sex in this bed?"

"Yeah," Jim says without hesitation, and Leo really has to appreciate Jim's lack of filter sometimes, "it does."

"Well, then."  He slides a knee in between Jim's, lets his hand drift down Jim's back, coming to rest at the waist band of his shorts.  Jim presses his hips into the touch.  "There was Rebecca Hill. We were fourteen and it wasn't so much sex as awkward fondling and kissing with way too much tongue."

Jim laughs, his chest vibrating against Leo's.  "A universal rite of passage," he says, and Leo grins.

"Next was Poppy LeGrand."  He rolls them over, coming to rest in between Jim's legs.  Jim brings up his knees, slides his foot against Leo's calf.  "That was definitely sex.  Still awkward, but sex.  We were sixteen and the entire time I thought for sure my parents were going to walk through the door at any moment."

 Jim hums his approval against his neck, licks at the base of his jaw.  "Keep going," he encourages, rolling his hips up to meet Leo's.  

"Just one more.  Jocelyn."  

 Jim stills a little at the thought of Leo's ex-wife, rage and lust fighting it out for supremacy over his libido.  Leo seems to sense it, leans down to kiss him long and deep, pulling him back to him.  

"It was the first time I brought her home," he says, rocking down against Jim, his half-hard cock sliding against his through their sleep shorts.  "My parents let us drink wine at dinner, not enough to get drunk, just enough to lower our inhibitions.  And we were at that stage - that stage when all you want to do is fuck each other and even if you do, it's still not enough."   _Kind of like right now_ , Jim almost says, but keeps his mouth shut, sucks a hard kiss into Leo's shoulder instead.  "She was supposed to be staying in the guest room but she snuck in here, woke me up with her hand around my cock."  Leo demonstrates, slides his hand under Jim's waist band and strokes, and Jim has to bite the ball of his hand to stifle the moan.  "She  _begged_  me to fuck her, practically ripped my clothes off and pinned me down to the bed."  His breath is warm against Jim's skin, his lips brushing against Jim's cheek when he speaks, and Jim thinks he shouldn't be as turned on as he is right now but there's no stopping it, not when Leo's voice is deep and rough and dripping like honey.  

"Don't - don't stop," he moans, because he needs it, Leo's voice in his ear and his hand on his cock.

"I ended up having to flip her under me and take her from behind," Leo rasps out, and Jim groans into his shoulder, feels his release start to wrap around his spine.  "Had to fuck her with my hand over her mouth so the whole house wouldn't hear her moaning."

"Oh fuck," Jim whimpers.  He shoves his hand down, finds Leo hard and ready, the tip wet.  He kisses Bones, sucks his tongue as he strokes, desperate to catch Leo up to him.  "We're not leaving here without you fucking me in this bed," he promises hoarsely, and Bones lets out a surprised moan against his chest.

 "God, Jim, yes," he whines.  "I wanna fuck you so bad, I don't care who hears it."

" _Fuck."_ Jim grinds his hips up once, twice more and then he's coming hard, coating their stomachs.  Bones groans and pulses in Jim's hand, his own come adding to the slick wetness.  Jim falls back on the bed, fights to get his breath back.  "Your voice," he groans out, and his hips twitch with an aftershock.  "Holy shit, Bones, your fucking voice."

 "Why, I don't know what you're talkin' about, darlin'," Leo drawls, and Jim squeaks. 

"Oh fuck you."

"Not tonight," Leo retorts, "but soon."  Jim cracks an eye.

"Yeah?" he says.  Leo grins.  

"You get all our noisy crew mates out of the house," he promises, "and it's on."

Jim flops back on the pillow.  "And it's rude to ask them to leave in the middle of the night," he ventures.  "Right?"

Leo just laughs.


	12. Chapter 12

At first, it seems like a dream.

A soft, sweeping touch, soothing and arousing at once; it makes Leo feels like he’s floating. He sinks willingly into it, lets the feeling surround him.

 _Bones_.

The sound is familiar, comforting, and Leo reaches out towards it.

_Bones. Come on, baby._

_Jim_ , he thinks.

_That’s it, baby._

“Jim,” he says, and blinks his eyes open.

“There you are.”

He looks down between his legs where Jim is stretched out, hands stroking gently over his chest, his thighs, and he realizes his cock is way ahead of him, hard against his stomach.

“I was getting impatient,” Jim rumbles, a predatory gleam to his eye, and Leo barely has time to blink before Jim pushes up and takes him in his mouth.

The sensation, warm and wet and perfect, punches the breath from his lungs and he lets out a broken gasp, his voice cracking over the air, as his hips rolls forward. “Oh, fuck,” he whimpers as Jim pushes up one thigh onto his shoulder, drops down even more, “oh God, _Jim_.”

Jim hums around him, blue eyes sparking and amused, and Leo’s ab muscles twitch in response. He drops a hand into Jim’s hair, gives a gentle tug, and Jim responds with a pleased moan, sharp fingernails dragged down his chest. The pain is welcome, wanted, and the thought of a little bit of roughness with his pleasure makes Leo’s face burn. He tugs again, guides Jim’s head to work him harder, faster, and Jim does it with a satisfied grunt, a hand massaging his balls.

“Fuck yes,” Leo growls, hears Jim’s sharp inhalation of breath, “that’s it, darlin’, just like that,” and Jim sucks harder, his cheeks hallowed deep. It’s too much, too fast, and Leo can’t fight the release that races through his body. “Jim, I’m gonna come,” he warns, and Jim squeezes his thigh, doesn’t pull away. “ _Jim_!”

Orgasm barrels through him, sharp and bright. He comes back flat on his back, chest heaving, the rest of him liquid in his skin. “God damn it,” he pants, and Jim chuckles.

“I hope that’s a good God damn it,” he deadpans, and Leo would laugh if he wasn’t so limp.

“The best,” he wheezes. Jim slinks up his body to rest at his side. “I want – just give me a second to catch my breath –”

“Relax.” He leans in close, slides his teeth along Leo’s ear. “I came when you did,” he rumbles, and Leo shudders, a full body shake. “You were so damn sexy, I couldn’t help myself.”

“You mean me coming in two minutes like a teenager?”

“I mean you so turned on you couldn’t help yourself,” Jim counters. “I love that I can do that to you.”

There’s nothing Leo can say to refute that so he kisses him instead, messy and deep, pulls back only when his lungs begin to cry for air. Somewhere in the house an alarm rings and Leo blushes pink. “I was really loud just now, wasn’t I?” he grunts, and Jim’s chest shakes against his as he laughs.

“Just at the end,” he replies cheerfully, and Leo groans. “Relax. It’s early yet. I just…couldn’t sleep.”

Leo’s eyes snap open. “You’re all right? Let me check you,” he says, hands reaching out for his tricorder before he can think. Above him, Jim blinks and Leo freezes. “Oh. Shit. I’m sorry. I’m doing it, aren’t I?”

“Bones, it’s okay.”

“No, this is what you were talking about it. I can’t help it, I don’t even think –”

“ _Bones_.” His mouth snaps shut and Jim smirks. “Bones. I’d never ask you to not be a doctor. I’d never want you to. If you need to check my vitals, than you should. Just…” He strokes a finger down Leo’s nose, over his lips. “Just remember to bring Bones back to me where you’re done, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Leo breathes, kisses Jim’s palm. “Yeah, okay.”

xxxxxxx

The kitchen is quiet by the time they make it downstairs, much to Leo’s relief. He doesn’t think he can stand another group attack, all those smirking, satisfied faces.

“You mean your friends being happy for you?” Jim counters, and Leo grunts.

“Yeah. Exactly. It’s weird.”

“Well, look who’s up.”

His mother’s voice floats in from nowhere and Leo yelps, almost sends his cereal bowl scattering into the sink. “When did you become a ninja?” he accuses. She just chuckles.

“One of my many motherly talents, dear,” she says benignly, bypassing him to give Jim a kiss to the crown of his head. “Good morning, Jim.” He smiles beatifically at her. 

“Mother-stealer,” Leo hisses.

“It’s good you’re up,” Eleanor says. “I need you to come with me to the market.”

“Need me to – since when do you need help going to the market? Since when do you _go_ to the market?” Leo says, instantly suspicious. She fixes him with a steady gaze, the one that says, _you’ll do as I say and you’ll like it._

“Since I asked you to,” she replies tartly, and Jim laughs behind his coffee mug.

“I’m sure Jim would love to,” Leo grumbles, “seeing how he’s your new favorite son.”

“Now, now.” Eleanor pats Leo’s arm, holds out her jacket so Leo can help her into it. “There’s nothing new about that. Now come along.”

xxxxxxx

“You realize we could have ordered this all, gotten it delivered right to the house.”

Eleanor pauses in front of the apples, plucks one out to inspect. “Yes, but then I wouldn’t have had a chance to get you alone and interrogate you, now would I?”

“I knew it,” Leo swears, and Eleanor rolls her eyes, like it had ever been a secret. “Mama, you tellin’ me you don’t know enough about us already?”

“I’m not asking who tops, dear,” she says easily, and Leo makes a horrified noise, like a dying beast. “But my son finally figures out what I’ve been telling him for six years, I think I’m entitled to some details.”

“ _Jesus_ ,” Leo whines, but Eleanor just gazes at him patiently. “Okay, _fine_. He came and found me in the barn loft, okay? And it…went from there.”

“Leo.”

“Oh my _God_ , _woman_ , what is it you want to hear? We apologized to each other, I told him I loved him, he told me he loved me back.” He points a sharp finger at her. “And that is _all_ you are getting.”

“Well, I know what happened next,” she murmurs, and Leo groans. She leads him out of the market, down a quiet side-street towards the hovercar. “Oh, Leo. You know I’m only teasing you because I’m so happy for you, right?”

He sighs, his shoulders relaxing some, and takes her arm she’s offered under his. “I know, Mama.”

“I worry about you so much out there, and I know that Jim’s always been there to protect you but still –” Her arm pulls loose from Leo’s and she staggers, realizes Leo’s come to a stop. “Leo?” When she looks up there’s a pale, hard edge to Leo’s face, and she follows his gaze to see two men in dark uniforms. Starfleet, but not. It sends a sharp chill down her spine. “Leo?”

“Section 31,” he grits out, and Eleanor breathes out a gasp. When Leo’d told her about them, she had assumed – hoped – that they were done with him, that he was being paranoid thinking they were still around. She sees now she was painfully wrong. “Mama, go inside.”

“Leo, no.”

“Mama.”

“Lieutenant Commander Leonard McCoy?”

Leo grabs her arm, pulls her behind him, out of their reach. “You know damn well that’s who I am,” he growls.

“Commanders Stanford and Le’Frang, sir,” the taller one, Stanford, says. “We need you to come with us for questioning.”

“I’ve already been through questioning with you. Quite a few times, actually.”

“And there are still some things that are unclear,” Stanford bites back. “Now we’re going to need you to come with us.”

“I’m with my mother –”

“I’m sure one of your friends can help her home,” Stanford sneers, and Eleanor gasps.

“You’ve been following him?”

“Mama,” Leo warns.

“We find it prudent to make sure we’re aware of the location of any Starfleet officer under investigation, ma’am,” Le’Frang says. He rests a hand on his hip, above his cuff holster. “Now if you’ll hurry along, we have a transport waiting.”

“Jesus – okay, Christ. Just give me one minute, okay? To make sure my mother’s all right.”

“One minute,” Le’Frang intones.

“Leo,” she breathes as he turns to her. She grasps at his jacket front, as if she could hold him to her. “Leo, you can’t go with them.”

“I don’t have a choice. Mama, listen to me. Jim – Spock can help him but I need you to help Spock, okay? Please.” He gives her a gentle shake when she doesn’t respond. “ _Mama_. Please.”

“Yes,” she breathes out in a rush. “Yes, Leo, of course.”

He pulls her close into a hug, drops his mouth to her ear. “There’s a PADD in my kit,” he whispers, “with everything on it, every note I’ve taken. It’s encrypted but Spock or Jim can break it.” She feels something drop into her pocket and she realizes it must be his comm. “Call somebody to come get you right away. Don’t go home by yourself.”

“Lieutenant Commander.”

Leo glares over his shoulder. “I just – _Christ_ , I’m coming, all right?” He turns back, presses a kiss to her cheek. “I love you,” he mouths and she nods.

“I love you,” she echoes, her voice wet with tears. “Leo, please, just come back to me as soon as you can. To _Jim_.”

For a split second the hard façade wavers. “I will,” he swears as he steps away. “I promise, Mama.” Le’Frang takes his arm and he jerks it away. “Don’t fucking touch me,” he growls. “I’m coming with you, ain’t I?”

Le’Frang eyes him long and hard but drops his hand. “Three to energize,” he says instead, and then her son is gone in a shimmer of light.

“Oh my God,” she gasps, and for a second the world tilts on its axis a little. “ _Leo_.”

In her pocket Leo’s comm vibrates frantically and she fumbles as she yanks it out and open. “Hello?” she croaks. “Jim? Is that you?”

“Eleanor?” Jim’s voice is loud, agitated. “Miss Eleanor, where’s Bones?”

“They took him,” she cries, the sob wracking her thin frame. “Jim, they took him.” For a long moment, there’s no response and she glares at the comm, gives it a shake. “Jim? Jim, are you there?”

“I’m here.” Jim sounds like he’s struggling to breathe. “Oh, _God_.” There’s sounds of a tussle and a voice shouting Jim’s name. Then someone else picks up the comm.

“Miss Eleanor!”

“Scotty,” Eleanor sobs. “Scotty, they took Leo. Jim – tell Spock he has to help Jim.”

It’s palpable, the pain when Scotty speaks. “I would that I could,” he moans, and Eleanor’s heart tightens painfully in her chest. “But he’s gone. Section 31’s taken Spock.”


	13. Chapter 13

“Jim.”

A soft, wet cloth presses against his forehead, cool against his hot skin.  

“Jim, wake up.”   

“Scotty?” he croaks.

“Aye, there you are.”  He opens his eyes and the engineer smiles.  “Welcome back, Captain.”

“What happened?” Something bad, he remembers that much, but it’s fuzzy beyond that.

“You passed out,” he says, and there it is, the whole memory.  He shoves himself up, way too fast.  “ _Whoa_.  Slowly, Jim.”

“Bones.  Spock,” he gasps out.  “They took them.”

“Yes, but Jim, you have to  _calm down_ ,” Scotty chastises.  Jim ignores him, tries to stand instead, and it’s only Scotty’s quick reflexes that keep him on the couch.  “ _Och_ , laddie!   _Get down_.”

“I’m not Keenser,” Jim mutters, mostly too be spiteful, but Scotty just laughs, guides him back into a seated position.

“Good thing too, don’t think the wee man could reach the captain’s chair,” he rejoins.  

“He’s awake?” There’s a flutter of movement and then a comforting presence next to him.  Eleanor wraps her hand around his and squeezes.  “Thank goodness,” she breathes.

“I’m sorry.”  It’s out before he can even think about it.  “I’m sorry, Miss Eleanor.”

“Don’t you apologize to me, James Kirk,” she hisses.  “You’ve done nothing wrong.  We’re going to get Leo and Spock back, you hear me?  Everything’s going to be fine.”

“I need to help,” he protests, but his voice is fading and he feels weak, unmoored.  “Miss Eleanor, I need to help find them.”  

“You need to rest,” she says from somewhere far away.  Jim slips downward, his eyes sinking shut.  

“I need to find Bones,” he mumbles, and then the world goes dark.

Above him, Eleanor sighs, cups his warm cheek.  He’s restless under her hand, his lips moving listlessly.  

“Miss Eleanor.”  Chekov’s there, a PADD and tricorder in his hands.  “We found the doctor’s PADD.”  

“Good,” she breathes.  “Good.  Leo said Jim or Spock could figure out the encryption but they can’t be the only ones, right? Someone else must be able to.”

“We can do it,” he promises.  “We have to.”

“Okay.”  She holds her hand out and he hands her the tricorder.  It’s unfamiliar, a much newer model that the ones David would use.  

“Do you have any experience with ‘em?” Scotty asks, and she shakes her head.

“Not really.  David – Leo’s father – he kept his work at the hospital, never really brought it home, and Leo was out of the house and married before he was even a doctor.  I know basic first aid but this? The technology’s beyond me.”  She huffs out a weak laugh.  “You’ve seen my house.  The most recent thing in it is a ten-year-old replicator.”

“Let me try.”  The tricorder whirls to life under his fingers.  It beeps once, twice, and then flashes a sea of red.  “His heart rate is low, and his breathing’s weak,” he says softly.  “He needs a doctor.  He  _needs_  Leonard.”

xxxxxxx

It’s a very strange feeling, to be at the head of the table when Jim’s just in the next room.  If he were on the bridge, it'd be no issue; if Kirk and Spock are indisposed, he's in charge.  But this isn't the bridge, and he's not the highest-ranking officer in the room.  He glances over at Scotty, who scoffs as if he knows what Sulu's thinking.

"I'm a Lieutenant Commander the same reason Leonard is: they make you one when you become chief," he says.  "But this isn't the engine room.  You're next in command, laddie.  We'll follow you."

“Okay," Sulu breathes, and focuses.  "Our primary priority is Jim's health.  If we can get him stable without McCoy and Spock, then that's what we do."  He offers Eleanor a apologetic look.  "Section 31's not pleasant.  But we have to assume that they are not in immediate harm."

"I understand," she says quietly.

"Scotty, Carol, I need you to get that PADD unlocked.  Pavel, Nyota, I need you to get on the comm and see if you can track down any chatter about what's happening Leonard and Spock.  Use  _whatever_  means necessary.”

“Understood,” Chekov says.  Uhura just nods.

"Miss Eleanor, is there anyone at you know who might be able to help?  One of your husband or Leonard's old co-workers?"

"That I'd trust not to turn us in or sell us out?" She sighs.  "Unfortunately, no."

Sulu frowns.  "All right.  We can't call any Enterprise staff; we have to assume Section 31 is tracking all of us.  We need someone outside Starfleet."

"Once we get at Leonard's research, that should gives us a better idea where we stand," Carol says. 

"We know we need a virologist, someone familiar with experimental treatment," Chekov agrees.

 _Research,_  Sulu thinks.   _Experimental treatments._

"Discreet, obviously.  Someone who'd have a reason to be here."

"Holy shit," he says, and the table goes quiet.  He looks up, wide eyed.  “I think I know someone who can help.”


	14. Chapter 14

An hour later, Sulu’s back in San Francisco.  The shuttle skirts the edges of the Academy, and he peers down, watches the reconstruction.  The _Vengeance_ is gone; all that’s left is a deep, jagged line through the center of campus.

He disembarks, turns not towards Academy grounds but towards the neighborhood at the edge of the San Francisco Medical Research complex.  He’s never come here unannounced like this, and he chews at his lip in an uncharacteristically nervous gesture as he rings the chime.

Then the door slides open.  “Hikaru?”

He smiles.  “Hey, Ben.”

Ben smiles back, wide and bright, his dark hair floppy over one eye.  He’s still in his scrubs but he steps back, gestures for Hikaru to come in.  “What are you doing here?  I thought you were visiting friends in Georgia.”

“I was.  I am,” Hikaru stumbles out.  “But I…” his voice trails off.  _How am I going to explain this to him_.

He meets Ben when he's still a cadet and Ben's a medical student, training to be a researcher.  He’s drawn to the quiet, shy man, so unlike his brash fellow cadets, but keeps mum, walks away; he's going to be a starship pilot, after all, and Ben is decidedly Earth-bound, already pledged to the experimental vaccines department of SFMR.  But after Nero - after they almost lose everything, all at once, and he starts waking up cold and sweating and sure he's still falling towards Vulcan - he realizes he doesn't want to leave Ben behind.  So they strike up a long-distance, albeit platonic, correspondence, messages floating back and forth from Earth to wherever the Enterprise happened to be that day.  The friendship steadies him, keeps him grounded in the vastness of space in a way he’s never experienced before, and one day at the helm it comes to Hikaru all at once that he could keep calling Ben _just a friend_ all he wants, it doesn’t change the fact that he's falling for him.

So when the Enterprise comes home after Nibaru, he cuts out as soon as he can and goes to find Ben.  Tells him the truth, that what he wants from him is more than pen pals over subspace.  Ben smiles that soft, easy smile that Hikaru loves so much, tells him _I’ve been waiting for you to say that_ , and kisses him.

Then Khan happens.

He’s caught a few minutes with Ben since then – he visited the hospital as Hikaru sat, waiting for the over-worked staff to check them all out – but then the briefings start, the never-ending meetings and interrogations.  It doesn’t seemed fair to drag Ben into it all, so he stays away, goes to Georgia with McCoy and the rest of the crew when he suggests it.

_So much for keeping him out of it._

“Hikaru?  You’re making me nervous.”  Hikaru blinks, realizes Ben is gazing at him, his eyes crinkled with concern, realizes he’s been standing in the man’s living room for who knows how long like a mute. 

“I’m sorry,” he breathes out.  “I’m sorry.  I just – I don’t know how to say this.”  Ben opens his mouth but Hikaru rushes ahead.  “I’m going to tell you a story,” he says, his voice tight, “and then I’m going to ask you for help.  I’ve no right to do either; I’m pretty sure Starfleet might court-martial me for the first.  But – we need help.  We need help, and you’re the only one I know who might be able to give it.  The only one I trust to ask.”

Ben’s jaw hangs open in shock, and for a moment Hikaru thinks he’s going to tell him to leave.  But then he sits, clasps his hands in front of him.  “All right,” he says softly, “then tell me.”

It takes a while – it’s a long, convoluted story, made longer by Ben’s questions – but Hikaru gets it all out without Ben kicking him out or running screaming.  “So that’s where we are,” he says, and Ben lets out a shocked noise.  “And now – McCoy and Spock, they’re gone, and the captain’s sick.”

“I – I don’t know what to say,” Ben says, his voice quiet and thin, and Hikaru swallows around the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.  "Hikaru, I'm a  _researcher_.  I don't actually see patients."

"An experimental vaccines researcher," Hikaru counters.  "And what Jim is on is an experimental treatment.  It's not the same, I know, but if anybody will understand McCoy's notes, it's you."

Ben drops his head into his hands.  "Hikaru..." his voice trails off.  "I don't know how I feel about what McCoy did.  And I'm pretty sure that I don't want to know how he did it."

“I understand that.  It's one of the reasons I didn’t want to make you a part of this,” Hikaru says hoarsely.  “It’s not fair to make you a part of this.  But –” He looks away, ashamed.  “Ben, I’m scared.”

Ben feels something in his chest break open.

 _"Hikaru_ ," he breathes, and he can't stop himself from pulling the younger man into his arms.  Hikaru buries his face into his neck with a soft moan.  “My brave Hikaru,” Ben murmurs against his temple.  “They ask so much of you.  And you’re willing to give it, aren’t you?”

Hikaru doesn’t answer right away, just breathes deep, lets Ben’s smell start to settle the restlessness he feels.  “They’re my friends,” he says finally.  “And Jim – he sacrificed himself for us all, Ben.  He went in that core knowing there was no way he was coming out alive.  I have to do whatever I can to help him.”

Ben is still for a moment, then he nods, his hair brushing against Hikaru’s cheek.  “All right then,” he says softly, and Hikaru’s heart surges in his chest.  “Just give me time to pack a bag.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BEN, YOU GUYS. I just don't know what's happening, lol.


	15. Chapter 15

They pause at the door of the old farmhouse, and Hikaru takes Ben’s hand in his and squeezes. “Thank you,” he whispers.

Ben just looks at him, an inscrutable look in his eyes, one Hikaru can’t read. It makes his stomach hurt. “We should go,” he says finally.

Sulu just nods, leads him inside.

There’s a flickering light coming from the kitchen and Sulu realizes it’s a PADD projection. “You broke the encryption,” he says as he steps in, and Scotty grins.

“Aye. It’s a good thing our commander has a tendency to follow logical patterns even when setting encryption codes.”

“Ben, this is Carol Marcus and Montgomery Scott,” Sulu says. “Guys, this is Dr. Ben Park.” There’s a soft inhalation behind him and Sulu realizes Ben is frozen where he stands, his eyes wide in awe. “Ben?”

“ _Hikaru_.” It comes out in a hushed whisper. He goes quiet for a long minute, then steps forward, eyes wide, and Sulu can almost hear his mind racing as he takes it in. “Hikaru, this is…” he reaches out a hand and the projection shifts under his fingers, molecules and formulas dancing. “This is unbelievable.”

Sulu exchanges a look with Scotty and Carol. “So you get it then?” Carol says, and Ben laughs, low and deep.

“Oh, I wouldn’t say I get it,” he says, “but I can read it. I can understand the notes he made.”  
"Do you think you’ll be able to recreate what McCoy’s been giving Kirk?” Sulu asks. Ben hesitates.

“I need to study this first,” he says. “I need time. But Christ, Hikaru. What he’s done here…” he trails off, just shakes his head. “I need to study it first.”

“What can we do to help?”

“Honestly?” Ben asks. “Find me a quiet corner and give me a little time.”

“Okay,” Sulu says. “I think we can do that.”

xxxxxxx

They leave Ben in the back den with the PADD. Sulu brushes his hand against Ben’s neck as he leaves, gives a gentle squeeze, but Ben’s already lost in a different world.

“How’s Jim?” Sulu asks as the door clicks shut behind them. Scotty sighs.

“Looking to fight the entire world,” he says, “but stable. Miss Eleanor is holding her own against him. Wouldn’t be surprised if we went up there and found him tied up in the bathtub.”

“And Pavel and Nyota?”

"Pavel managed to reroute an unused corporate line onto an official Starfleet frequency, used it as an in to reroute all high-level comms through the old station in the office,” Marcus says, sounding a little awed. “And he managed to look completely innocent doing it.”

Sulu has to laugh a little. “That’s Pavel’s best line of defense. He could get caught red-handed and all he’d have to do is turn on those big eyes.”

“Ah, don’t be jealous.” They turn and Pavel grins at them. “If I am to look like this, the least I deserve is to use it to my advantage once in a while.”

"Once in a while – I’m pretty sure you use it every single shore leave, laddie,” Scotty counters, and Pavel shrugs, unabashed.

"Any results from your criminal activities?” Sulu asks.

“Nyota is listening in now,” Chekov says, indicates towards the closed office door. “I was kicked out for making her nervous with my pacing.”

There’s a bustle above, voices drifting down the stairs, angry and loud. It’s clear the argument has been going on for some time. Sulu frowns, deep, and leaves his crewmates to head up to the second floor.

“If you think I’m going to let you run yourself ragged, you’ve got another thing coming!”

“I need to be helping my crew,” comes the tight answer. “I am still their captain.”

"No one here is contesting that.” Sulu steps into the bedroom. Jim glares from the bed, but it’s weak; he looks pale, skinny. “But what happened to us helping you?”

“We have to find Bones and Spock,” Jim growls.

“And we will,” Sulu argues back, “we just need time –”

“Which is why you should let me help!”

“Damn it, Jim!” Eleanor grabs Kirk’s chin, forces him to look at her. “Now you listen to me, James Kirk, and listen to me good. Leo and Spock are in the fight right now against Section 31 and the admiralty and god knows who else, and they’re doing it so that they can protect you. And yet here you are, dead set on sending yourself back to the grave. They’re fighting for you and you are making their sacrifice _worthless_.”

Her words come out in a harsh rush that sucks the air from the room and for a few moments it’s just a stunned silence. Then Kirk makes a pained noise, almost a cry, and his eyes squeeze shut. “All right,” he whispers, his voice cracked. “All right. I’m sorry.”

Eleanor hushes him, pulls her hand from his chin to stroke at his cheek, and he curls into it. “You are injured, Jim. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is nothing you can change.” He nods against her hand, silent.

"Ben’s here,” Sulu says, and Jim gives him a long look. He hadn’t been thrilled about the plan before Sulu left, and obviously hadn’t made any more peace with it in the time since. “Scotty and Carol cracked the encryption and he’s reviewing Leonard’s notes now.”

“That’s good,” Eleanor says. “Isn’t it, Jim?”

Jim doesn’t respond immediately, and when he does, there’s a chill in his voice. “You’re sure about this?” he says, and Sulu stiffens. “About him?”

“Jim, he’s not going to hurt you –”

“I’m not worried about me,” Jim spits out. “I’m worried about Bones and Spock. Bringing someone new into this, someone who doesn’t know us –”

“He knows me,” Hikaru says tightly. “He cares for me, enough to come here.”

“I don’t doubt he cares for you,” Jim retorts. “What I doubt is that he won’t decide participating in a _gross violation of medical ethics_ is a little too much for his new boyfriend to ask of him.”

“It _is_ too much to ask of him!” Sulu hollers, because _Christ_ , he feels guilty enough as it is, forcing Ben into this untenable situation. His voice echoing against the thin walls and Jim goes still mid-protest, the surprise freezing him as he sits. “You think I went to him willingly? I _didn’t_. I trust Ben not to turn on us, but am I sure we’ll be together after this? No, I’m not. In fact, I’m pretty sure I just blew up our relationship before it even started. But we don’t have any other option.” He drops down into the armchair, drops his head into his hands, and sighs. “For fuck’s sake, Jim. You walked straight into death’s arms to keep us alive. Now I had a chance to maybe keep you alive. I took it. I can’t regret that.”

For a long moment, it’s just the sound of Jim’s shallow breathing. "Damn,” he says finally, his voice thin. “You know how to bring out the big guns, huh?”

“Well, you know what they say about walking softly and big sticks,” he jokes weakly. “Jim, Ben has put himself on a very thin branch just being here. Promise me you’ll listen to him. Promise me you’ll _try_ to trust him.”

“I will,” Jim says immediately, and Hikaru breathes a sigh of relief. “And I'm sorry.  I trust you. If you trust him, I’ll trust him.”

“Okay.”

“And thank you.”  He huffs.  "Although I would appreciate it if everyone stopped screaming at me."

Sulu chuckles, shakes his head.  "Start listening to us and we won't have to," he retorts.  “But Jim - you don’t have to thank me. You just have to get yourself well again.” He stands, clasps Jim on the shoulder. “We need you back in that chair, _Captain_.”  



	16. Chapter 16

It’s a little like falling down a wormhole.  

Not that Ben has any practical experience in such matters; Hikaru’s letters provide all the deep space excitement he needs in his life.  But he’s waist deep in McCoy’s research now and he can’t help but feel he’s left one space behind and emerged into a new one.  He’d known McCoy was smart but  _this_ , this is something totally beyond.  It’d be ground-breaking, if it wasn’t so completely  _forbidden_.

The treatment itself, it’s ninety percent conventional methods of flushing the remaining radiation that flares when Kirk is stressed, or tired, or generally weakened.  The last ten percent, though – the last ten percent pulls from Khan’s particular genetic make-up, builds on a chemical adjustment to the strength of the individual cell itself that gives Khan his superior healing abilities and strength.  It’s an alteration made three hundred years ago during the Eugenics War, when there were no regulations, no agency oversight, nothing but unbridled human experimentation, and Ben shudders to think how many people died before they achieved Khan and his crew, 73 perfect specimens.

And now, it’s that last ten percent that’s keeping Kirk alive.  It’s what brought him back. 

There’s a soft knock at the door and Hikaru sticks his head in, smiles tentatively down at him.  “Dinner’s ready,” he says.  “Wasn’t sure if you wanted to take a break, maybe come meet everyone.”

“Oh.  Of course.”  He realizes in his haste he’s forgotten to introduce himself to Hikaru’s friends, McCoy’s mother.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to be rude.”

“ _Ben_.”  His name comes out like a soft laugh.  “Trust me.  It’s fine.”

“Okay.”  When he stands, it puts him face to face with Hikaru and he tries not to look away as Hikaru’s dark eyes take him in.

“Are you all right?” he asks, and Ben almost laughs.

“I’m fine,” he says instead.  “We should go.  They must be waiting.”

He follows Hikaru to the kitchen, when Scotty and Carol’s electronics have been replaced with a full spread.  The crew gathers round, introduces themselves, as if Hikaru doesn’t know most of their faces from the feeds.  They greet him kindly, with open arms, but there’s no denying the undercurrent of stress in the room, and the fact that they all look, like Hikaru, so very tired. 

“Is the captain –” he starts to ask, but then Chekov cheers out a happy  _Jim_ , and Ben turns.

Jim Kirk, he’s the most famous face in Starfleet, the grinning poster boy of its deep space program, all blond hair and bright blue eyes.  He’d made the mistake of asking Hikaru once if they  _really were that bright,_  and Hikaru had huffed out an offended grunt, mumbled something about  _why does everybody always ask that_.  It had taken some  _serious_  ego massaging before Hikaru had stopped pouting and just admitted, yes, they were.  

The man in the doorway, though: it’s Jim Kirk, but sucked dry of color.  His blond hair is flat, ashy; his skin has a grey undertone, and i’s obvious from the way his clothes hang that he’s lost weight.  And his eyes – normally so clear and bright, they’re dull now, a flat cornflower blue, with none of the spark that’s obvious in the most inane Starfleet propaganda.  Ben can’t help but think he looks like one of the research institute’s trial subjects.  

 _I suppose he kind of is,_  he thinks.   _A study of one._

Jim sinks into an open chair with a grunt.  “Were there always so many stairs in this house?” he teases his escort – McCoy’s mother, obviously – who just swats at him. 

“You’re the one who insisted on coming down,” she retorts.

“I’ve eaten enough meals confined to a bed in the last month,” he complains, and she sighs and pats his cheek.  Then she notices Ben, makes a small  _ah_  noise.

“You must be Ben,” she says, and suddenly he’s being pulled into a warm hug.  She’s a foot shorter than him and he has to bend over to reach her. 

“ _Oh_  – oh, uh, okay,” he says unintelligently into her shoulder, because he is not, traditionally, a  _hugger_ , but Eleanor’s embrace brooks no dissent.  He swears he hears Hikaru’s distinctive snicker behind him.  “Um, thank you for having me?”

She tsks at him.  “Nonsense.  We should be thanking you.”  To his relief she pulls back, although she keeps a firm grip on his arms.   “For what you’re doing.”

“I don’t really know what I’m doing yet,” he says, and she laughs.

“Well, thank you anyway.  For trying to help our Jim.  He does tend to find himself in the strangest pickles.” 

“I can hear you, you know,” Jim calls from behind her.  

“I’m well aware,” she calls back.  

“Can I –” he says, points towards Kirk, and Eleanor breathes out an  _oh, yes_ , and finally releases him.   “Captain Kirk,” he says.  “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Likewise,” Kirk says, although there’s a tightness is his voice that Ben senses is just for him.  It sticks right in his craw.  “And it’s just Jim right now.  But you’ll understand if I don’t get up.” 

“Sure.”

“I appreciate you being here,” he says.  “I also appreciate you not immediately running for the hills.  Or the admiralty.”

“I can’t say the thought didn’t occur to me,” Ben admits, and Kirk laughs.   

“An honest man, I like it,” he says.  “Nonetheless.  You’re here.  You don’t have to be.  I’m grateful for it.”

Ben doesn’t know quite how to respond.  “I’ll do my best to help,” he decides on, and Kirk nods.

“S’all we can ask,” he proclaims.  “Now. Take a seat.  Tell me what Bones’s notes –”

There’s a clatter as Eleanor drops the tongs she’s holding.  “ _No_ ,” she interjects loudly.  “It’s dinnertime.  No shop talk at dinner.”

“I don’t know that I would call this  _shop talk_ ,” Kirk says tartly, and Eleanor eyes him, hard.

“You know what I mean, James Kirk.  The stress you’re all under – and today…” she sniffs, shakes her head.  “You need some time to just breathe and this is my only chance.  House rules say  _no shop talk at the dinner table_  and  _that’s final._ ”

Ben thinks for sure Kirk will protest but he doesn’t, just sighs and relents.  “Understood, Miss Eleanor,” he says softly.  “Understood.”

“Thank you.”

“Not sure what we’re supposed to talk about, then,” he mumbles and she rolls her eyes. 

“I’m sure you’ll think of something,” she teases.  “Leo mentioned something about a princess that seemed particularly interested in you?”

Jim’s eyes go wide.  “Now I don’t know that’s any more appropriate –”

“The Da'Nanudians!” Uhura provides helpfully, studiously ignoring Jim’s pointed glare.  “She was a priestess, actually –”

They’re all talking at once now, sliding into an easy banter, and it’s immediately clear, the affection between them.  He’s not surprised; Hikaru’s comms, they’re filled with these stories, of them pulling each other into – and out of – the strangest situations, and when he reads them, he wonders, again and again, if Starfleet knows how lucky they are that this crew fell together the way it did.  It provides him some peace, when the feeds scream of a bloody engagement, or Hikaru falls suddenly silent for weeks at a time, to know that Hikaru has these people watching his back, especially since he knows that will never be him, not out there in space. 

Next to him, Hikaru catches his eye, gives a small smile and a shrug, and for just a moment, Ben smiles back.   

He and Hikaru - they are, on paper, opposites: the quiet, earth-bound researcher and the high-flying star pilot.  They meet at a party, some campus shin-dig; Ben's only there because his best friend Kevin has an inexplicable thing for fly boys, those command track guys who seem to Ben to be nothing but brash, entitled attitudes and _you're lucky just to know me_  smirks.  Ben's hiding in the kitchen, trying to convince himself it's not too early to leave - Kevin's ditched him already, lost to a preening redhead - when Hikaru steps in, walks up to him with a smile and a soft _hello_ , and Ben can't help but think, _that's the most handsome man I've ever met._

He braces himself for the inevitable pomp, but Hikaru proves him wrong: he is confident but soft-spoken, an even-keeled presence, and when he asks Ben what he does, he  _listens_.  It's Kevin who tells Ben Hikaru's top of his class, head of Nova Squadron, and when Ben asks Hikaru about it, he actually  _blushes_ , tells him all he's ever wanted to do was fly.  

And so, Ben - quiet, private Ben, more at home in a lab or a library than a cockpit - finds himself falling for a fly boy.  

But Hikaru never gives any indication he's interested in being more than just friends, so Ben takes what he can, treasures their long-distance back and forth.  It seems the further apart they get, the more each reveals, distance providing a bulwark against hesitation, so much so that when Hikaru comms to say the Enterprise will be returning to Earth, he's anxious, afraid that Hikaru will not find him nearly as interesting in person as he does over interstellar channels.  But the opposite happens, and Ben's pretty sure it's only the shock that allows him reach over and kiss Hikaru, tell him  _I've been waiting for you to say that_.  

How they've gotten from there to here, though; that's a question he's still trying to answer.

Dinner draws to a close, and the scientist in Ben notes that Kirk's barely eaten.  Eleanor notices too, because she frowns, raps him on the head.  He ignores her.

“It's probably time for me to head up,” he says to the table, but his gaze turns firmly to Ben.  “Dr. Park.  Perhaps you like to accompany me.”

The nerves perk up, turn the meal in his stomach a little sour, but Ben nods, rises to follow him.  Jim moves slowly but his instincts tell Ben the worse thing he could do was to try and help unless Jim absolutely needs it, so he just waits, lets him navigate the stairs and over to the far bedroom by himself. 

“So.” Jim sinks onto the bed, back against the wall.  His eyes slip shut; he's clearly drained.  “Give it to me straight, doc.  Bones’s notes make any sense at all?”

“They do,” he says.  “They’re quite comprehensive, actually.  The work he’s done in such a short period of time…” he shakes his head.  “It’s incredible.”

Jim doesn’t open his eyes but his smile is proud.  “Yeah, well, that’s my Bones.  Always the overachiever.  Throw Spock in there and I’m pretty sure they could cure death.”   He snorts.  “Oh.  Wait.”

That sticks in his craw too, that flippant attitude, almost like he _expects_ to have been brought back from the dead.  Jim must sense his discomfort, because he finally opens his eyes. 

“You don’t think what they did was right,” he says. Ben just looks away.  “It’s okay.  You can say it.”

“Fine. No, I don’t.”  Blunt, he knows, but obfuscation is an art he’s never mastered.  “I’m sorry.  It’s nothing against you personally and please believe me when I say, I am incredibly grateful for what you did.  But what Dr. McCoy did was a violation of his medical ethics, of the oath we all take as doctors."

“ _Above all, I must not play at God,_ ” Jim quotes softly.  

"Exactly.  But instead, he used what they did to Khan – a gross medical violation in and of itself, a violation that I, as a researcher, find particularly grievous – to serve his own purposes and in doing so, created a Pandora’s box that anyone in a position of power with the slightest bit of moral ambiguity is going to try and crack.  Even if they  _do_ convince Section 31 that the report they submitted is true –” He shakes his head, frustrated.  “Trust me.  There are already researchers on this in a lab somewhere, trying to recreate it.”

Kirk's jaw twitches, but he meets Ben’s gaze.  “If it makes any difference, it’s not a choice he made lightly," he says.  "In fact, I’m positive it will weight on him for the rest of his life.”

“As well it should,” Ben states firmly. 

“So why are you here, then?” Kirk asks.  The question is straight-forward but his voice is guarded, defensive.  “Why not tell Hikaru to leave?  Why not turn us over to the admiralty?”

“Because you  _are_  alive,” Ben retorts.  “However that happened, you’re alive, and I’m not going to let you die again just to prove a point.  And because…” He sighs.  “Because Hikaru asked me to.”

“Another choice not made lightly.”

“I know.”  It’s one of the things he admires about Hikaru, that he may act quickly but never thoughtlessly.  He’d believed him, standing in Ben’s living room, when he’d said he’d hadn’t come there willingly. 

“He worries about the ramifications of his actions,” Kirk says, “for the two of you.”

Ben feels an embarrassed anger flare in his gut, and he tamps down the urge to tell Kirk to  _mind your own fucking business_.  “That’s a conversation for Hikaru and me,” he says instead, voice tight with warning.  Kirk holds up a hand in retreat.

“I’m just saying – when all this is over, no matter how it ends – just…” He looks at Ben, a little pleadingly, and Ben realizes it’s true concern speaking, for a dear friend, “just hear Hikaru out, yeah?”

He looks down, pretends to study the tricorder in his head.  “Fine,” he relents, and Kirk nods.  Ben pulls loose a pre-loaded hypo from the medical cooler next to the bed. “I’m going to give you a minor dose tonight.  I haven’t read enough to be able to coordinate your levels and specific dosages yet.”

“Understood,” Kirk says.  The hypo hisses soft against his skin.  “Hopefully, Bones will be back before you have to invest too much time into all this.”

Ben doesn’t respond to that, just ejects the empty container into the hazardous waste bin.  “I’ll send Miss Eleanor up,” he says instead.  “Good night, Captain."


	17. Chapter 17

“So.” Carol stands at the door to the room, hands clasped in front of her. Uhura waits for her to say something else.

She doesn’t.

“It’s all right, Carol,” she provides instead. “I volunteered the room, didn’t I?”

Ben’s appearance has forced a reshuffle of the strained resources of the old house. Sulu, Scotty, and Chekov were already sharing a room; someone else wasn’t going to fit. So Uhura did the logical thing, given her roommate – her boyfriend – was gone: she volunteered her floor space to Carol so that Ben and Hikaru could share the den. There’s just enough room on the floor for a pallet, although Uhura will have to jump it if at any point she needs to get up. 

Logical, yes. Also incredibly, horribly awkward. 

It’s not that Uhura has anything against Carol. But it’s been a _very_ long day following a _very_ long few weeks and as they stand there, regarding one another, Uhura realizes she doesn’t actually _know_ anything about the woman. Now, though, now isn’t going to be the time to learn. All Uhura wants to do is go to sleep.

No, that isn’t true. All Uhura really wants to do is descend upon Section 31 like a fury and demand Spock back.

When she first hears about McCoy’s plans to bring Kirk back, it’s her first thought to keep Spock away, run interference long enough for McCoy to figure out, then let Spock brig him. Even now, she’s still embarrassed the way she underestimated him, the shock she felt when Spock walked out of the Medbay and into that lab to ask McCoy what he could do to help. But the shock also gives way to love as he, against the illogicality of it all, holds the line, stands true to Kirk and McCoy and the whole crew; and it reaffirms how proud she is to stand by his side.

For his loyalty, though, he’s rewarded with months of hearings, with special agents tracking his every move, with Section 31 pulling up to Eleanor’s front door and hauling him away like a common criminal. It’s why, though she doesn’t fear for his physical safety, she’s still filled the urge to track them down and rip them apart.

"Are you all right?”

Carol’s voice breaks into her haze and she realizes she’s squeezing her lotion bottle so tightly it’s begun to spill all over his hands. “Shit – sorry. Sorry, yes, I’m fine,” she says hastily, wipes her fingers along the mouth of the bottle.

“Is there anything…you’d like to discuss?” Carol sounds slightly horrified to be saying it, immediately relaxes when Uhura shakes her head no. 

“I think it’s best we just go to sleep,” she says, and Carol nods, settles herself amongst the blankets. Uhura gets under her own covers, keys off the lights, and goes to bed.

xxxxxx

On the floor, Carol stares into the dark of the room until her eyes adjust and she’s able to make out the frame of the door, the edge of the footboard. The blankets provide ample protection from the wood floor but the cold’s still there, deep in her bones, sharp like torpedo fire, and she resigns herself to another night of no sleep.

xxxxxx

In the den below, Chekov stretches out wide along his own pallet. Hikaru is, he’s discovered, a bit of a kicker in his sleep. Nonetheless, he kind of misses the warm presence of his best friend, if for no other reason than it reminds him of camping with his cousins so long ago in Russia. That memory, he finds, is enough to prompt him to dream about a warm campfire instead of a broken warp core, and his own failure to keep it whole.

xxxxxx

On the couch, Scotty shifts restlessly. He’s counting Jeffries tube designations, the way some people count sheep, except his mind keeps wondering back to the strangest memory of his grandmother, who’d, despite her grandson’s fervent cry of _science, not religion_ , never ended a visit without a hand in his and a soft prayer of protection over him. He’d never understood it then, but now, here in the dark, he almost does; those few soft words, it was the only protection she could offer him as he flew off into the unknown. Left with no ship, no engines to fix, he thinks, _what else can I do_ , and says that same prayer for his friends.

xxxxxx

Up above, Eleanor McCoy says her own prayer, the one she says every night for her son: that he come home to her, safe and at peace. Then she cries, allows the stress and grief of the day to flow out, before she pulls herself together, washes her face, and heads to bed.

xxxxxx

Down the hall, Jim Kirk has no choice; he sleeps. It’s all his damaged body will allow him to do. 

xxxxxx

In the office below, Ben wonders, once again, just how they’ve gotten into this situation.

It turns out he hadn’t had to go far to find Eleanor; she meets him on the stairs. She, wisely, doesn’t try to engage him in much talk. “You and Hikaru will be in David’s old office,” is all she says, but still he has to fight the wince. It’s a reasonable assumption, that he and Hikaru have shared a bed before, but wrong. Not that he’s going to tell her that; instead he just nods, wishes her a good night, and continues on his way.

Now he stands with Hikaru, who’s making the same wincing face at the pull-out couch. “I’m sorry,” Hikaru says, “they assumed, and I didn’t know what was worse, put our business out there or just go with it –”

“Hikaru, it’s fine,” Ben says. He’s so exhausted. 

“I can take the couch in the sitting room – it’s short but I’ll make due, you shouldn’t have to share with me like this –”

“Hikaru,” Ben says again, louder, “it’s _fine_ ,” and Hikaru cuts off his litany with a sharp nod.

“Were you…” he clears his throat. “Was it okay? Talking to Jim?”

Ben almost laughs. “We made our positions clear to each other,” he says dryly, before he takes mercy, answers Hikaru’s real question. “I think I’ll be able to help him.”

Hikaru exhales a hard breath, sits on the edge of the mattress, and Ben realizes he’s lifted a weight from the younger man’s shoulders with just those few words. “Thank you,” he breathes. 

“He’s worried about us.” He doesn’t know why he brings it up; there’s no reason to, except to be mean. Hikaru looks up at him, shocked. “About our _relationship_.”

Hikaru chews his bottom lip for a long moment. “I am too,” he says finally, and Ben waves him off. He regrets ever bringing it up. “Ben –”

“ _Hikaru_.” It comes out hard and cold and Sulu freezes, his mouth shutting with an audible click.   
“Okay,” he says softly. “Another time, I guess.”

Ben sighs. “No, I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair.” He reaches out, takes Hikaru’s chin in his hand and tries to tilt his head back up but Hikaru resists the pull, refuses to meet his gaze. Ben realizes he’s fighting to keep his guard up, to maintain the image of the stoic lieutenant, and it’s a punch to the gut as he hears his own words coming back to him, his promises that _you don’t have to be the perfect officer with me, Hikaru, you can trust me to just be yourself._ “Hey,” he whispers, sits down next to him. He strokes a thumb against one cheekbone. “Hey. It’s just me. Look at me, please.”

Hikaru finally turns, and Ben can help but cringe because he feels it as a physical pain, the sadness and guilt in Hikaru’s eyes. He reaches out before he can think, pulls Hikaru close to him in a tight hug. Hikaru gasps, surprised, but recovers quickly, twists in his arms to curl up closer, arms around Ben’s neck. The twist brings his right leg over Ben’s left, creates a warm pressure when their thighs press close, and Ben breathes out slow against it. He tries to concentrates on Hikaru’s racing heart instead, rubs soft circles on his back until it slows to a resting pace, but then Hikaru’s hand drops down right above his own knee and curls around Ben’s inner thigh, and his own heart starts to race. 

“ _Ben_.” Hikaru breathes out his name, warm against his neck. Strong fingers wrap around his neck and tug his head around, and he goes willingly, meets Hikaru’s kiss with a quiet moan. Hikaru’s mouth is soft and slick against his, the ways he’s thought about countless nights, and Ben squirms as Hikaru’s hand strokes his thigh, starts to slip higher –

“Wait,” he gasps. He pulls back, grabs at Hikaru’s wrist. “Hikaru, wait.”

Hikaru stills against him, blinks twice as if to come back to himself. “ _Oh_ ,” he breathes. “Oh. Okay, yeah. We should – we should stop. This – this is not the place or the time, is it?”

“So not either,” Ben agrees. "I'm about ten years to old for a pull-out couch, for one thing.”

“Yeah, the bed is the main problem,” Hikaru teases gently, and Ben laughs.

"I’m sure you’ll understand when you hear me grunting in the morning,” he says dryly. “But after this – when this is all over, we’ll talk, okay? We’ll talk and…see where we go next.”

"Okay.” There’s a little sigh of relief in his voice and Ben can’t help dipping down, kissing him once more, light and soft, as if to seal a promise. “Okay. Until then…no more kissing. We’ll be good.” 

Ben nods. “Then Hikaru?”

“Hmmm?”

“You may want to move your hand.”


	18. Chapter 18

Leonard McCoy is a man of many talents.

He is a first-rate surgeon, an unparalleled doctor. He makes a mean peach cobbler, and has been known to clean out even card-counting Chekov over a hand of poker. And – perhaps most importantly, given the current circumstances – he is quite possible the more obstinate individual ever to put on a Starfleet uniform. 

He doesn’t know where he is, other than that it’s Starfleet; all Starfleet facilities have the same feel, the same schematic, as if they’d just punched each from a mold with minor adjustments made after. The room he’s in now could easy be one of the Enterprises’s smaller guest rooms, if not for the shimmery force field around the door.

He’s pretty sure there’s a camera somewhere, too.

He’s been in there for some time – no clocks, he notes, typical interrogation tactics – before Stanford and Le’Frang let themselves in, sit themselves down. 

“Please,” he says dryly, waving a relaxed hand their way, “make yourselves at home.”

Stanford twitches but Le’Frang ignores the comment. “I believe we all know what we are here to discuss,” he says evenly.

“Starfleet decor?” McCoy guesses. “’Cause that’s why I’ve been thinking about.”

“Doctor –”

“Do you think they got a discount on that wall color? Because let me tell you, I’ve seen it in every single Starfleet building I’ve ever been in. I mean, it’s impressive, finding a shade that works as well in a hospital or a dorm as it does in a jail cell.”

“This isn’t a jail cell,” LeFrang says immediately, and McCoy arches an eyebrow.

“Well, it’s true that it ain’t exactly built like a brig,” he concedes, “and it’s sure as shit cleaner than that dungeon we got stuck in on Epsilon IX. But I’m here against my will, and I’m not allowed to leave, and you two keep coming in and asking me the same damn questions over and over, which makes it, in my esteemed professional opinion, a _jail cell_.” 

Le’Frang regards him steadily, his single antenna floating stock-still. “You make a point,” he concedes. “But I would counter that if you had answered our questions the first time, we would not have needed to bring you here.”

“I answered your damned questions, and then I answered them again,” McCoy retorts. He’s aware that he is, even for him, treading dangerously towards insubordination, but he’s tired and angry and afraid, not for himself but for Jim. Besides, he figures he’s known galaxies-wide for his attitude; it’d be suspicious to curb it now. “Not my fault you didn’t like the answers.”

“Because they were lies!” Stanford explodes, slamming an open palm against the table, and Leo blinks, because that’s new, someone actually coming out and accusing them of dishonestly. Stanford launches into a full-on diatribe, clearly meant to intimidate as he spews out loud, angry words like _noncompliance_ and _treason_ and _dishonorable discharge and imprisonment,_ but all Leo can think is, _oh, go fuck yourself._

“You will tell us what we need to know!” Stanford howls.

“Anyone ever tell you you sound like a hungry toddler when you’re angry?” Leo says instead, and watches as Stanford turns damn near purple.

“Now you _listen here_ –”

“Deep breaths,” McCoy advises over him. “Do you normally have issues with your blood pressure? Because I can tell from here, it is quite high right now.”

“ _Doctor_.” 

The single word cuts through the mess, clear and sharp. It’s a warning and Leo takes heed, clicks his mouth shut. That’s the thing about playing chicken, he thinks. Sometimes, you have to flinch. 

“I apologize for my tone,” he says slowly, nodding his head in a respectful gesture towards Le’Frang. “But I’ve been called in time and time ago to answer the same questions, and each time I’ve answered with the truth. That truth has been substantiated each time by various other members of the Enterprise’s staff. So I would ask you understand my _frustration_ with the situation.” 

Stanford breathes deep but Le’Frang cuts his partner off with a raised hand. “We do understand,” he says simply. “And you should know we did not come to this place lightly, especially given that Captain Kirk is still under your care.”

A little shiver sparks in his gut and Leo has to remind himself that it is common knowledge Jim is still recovering from the after-effects of his injuries; Starfleet medical gets dutiful reports from Leo himself, stating that the standard radiation-dispersion therapies are working well. “At this point, the captain is capable of monitoring much of his own treatment,” he lies evenly. “And if needed, Commander Spock is well-versed in his care.”

“Yes,” Le’Frang says, like a soft hiss, and the shiver in Leo’s gut uncurls into a full-on cramp. It’s a sudden feeling and he feels caught unawares. “Still, I argued against bringing in both you and Commander Spock at the same time, in case the captain should be in need of additional aid.” He meets Leo’s eyes. “But I was overruled.”

 _Spock is here._

Leo feels that thought sink down deep. But if Spock is here, that means Jim –

 _Oh God,_ he thinks helplessly. _Oh, God, Jim._

The realization that there is no one who can care for Jim, not one who can keep him safe and whole and alive slams down over him like a wave, and he knows Le’Frang must see the terror that floods his eyes before he’s able to push it away.

“Everything all right, Doctor?” Stanford sneers and Leo blinks.

 _Calm down,_ he thinks. It’s hard to hear over the panic but he pulls from way down deep, from the reserve of calm he’s only just started to rebuild. _Come on, Leo, get your shit together_.

  
“Of course,” he says, is gratified to hear his voice is level, even as his heart pounds. “Yes, fine.”

"If the captain is recovering as well as you report, you and Commander Spock being unavailable should not pose an issue,” Stanford says, and the thought flicks through Leo’s brain that it’s strange, how his histrionic ire is suddenly gone. “Of course, if this is not the case, you only need tell us. We would be happy to release you for as long as necessary for you to complete his care.”

_You only need tell us._

“If something were to happen because you were here instead of there…” Le’Frang says softly, and Leo’s heart cracks in his chest, because that’s it, his greatest fear, Jim sick, dying, alone and afraid, because their crewmates, they would do everything they could, but they couldn’t save him, not like Leo could. “It would quite unfortunate.”

"I…” _I lied_. He clenches his jaw tight because it’s there, on the tip of his tongue. _I lied. Now please, let me go. Let me go take care of Jim._

“You just need to tell us.” Stanford’s hand reaches out, pats his own. His voice is overly sweet, cloying and sticky, and it catches in Leo’s mind and pulls –

_They set this up._

It comes to him all at once. 

_They set this up._

They waited, he realizes, waited until Jim was released to his care. Waited until they left the safety of Starfleet Medical and went to Georgia, where Jim would be isolated, away from care. Waited until he and Spock were apart so they could take them separately. Then they played Leo out, good agent and bad, let him believe he was above it all when really, they knew exactly how to bring him to his knees. 

And then they pushed him overboard into a sea of his own fear. And now, whatever choice he makes, he risks drowning, all the same.

Save Jim, and risk him never forgiving Leo for betraying their friends.

Hold true, and risk letting Jim die. Again. 

“Doctor?”

_What do I do._

“I’m here,” he says, and there’s a wicked sparkle in Stanford’s eye. He nods; _just do it._

"Do you need to tell us anything?”

Leo swallows, hard.

He makes his choice; obstinate to the last.

“No,” he says. _Hold on, Jim. Please_. “No. I have nothing to tell you.”

xxxxxx

They leave him there after that. Just get up and walk out, and leave him there. 

He stays where he sits, too numb to move.

 _Please_ , he silently begs to anyone, anything that will listen. _Please_.

_Please don’t let me lose him again._


End file.
